Battle Cry

8 months into the battle and herein lies my cry.

When the battle had just begun I remember sitting in worship one Sunday morning as this song rang through the sanctuary. Voices and hands raised, together.

It was new to me that day. A worship song I had never heard before but the words so alive and real. I've been on the battleground before.  The words flooded through my mind and ran to the deepest parts of my heart.  My voice lifted with the rest.

The battle field laid before me and the opposing army was coming....the diagnosis still fresh, as a wound that has just been afflicted dripping drops of bright red blood. Breast cancer thronged in my ears. My surgery on the horizon and over that hill the landscape was unknown, but there was the enemy charging forth.

I stood. Armed in the power of His might ready to declare His name.

I remember many a Sunday the pull in my heart to be among God's people, worshipping together. Maybe, you too, can relate to this draw. As an army stands against the enemy collectively and yet, you too, stand individually. And together the power of God blankets His people and possess you.

The power is so strong. You can't deny it and are brought to your knees in a posture of praise and worship.

He alone is worthy. He alone is God. And because of Him, no weapon on this earth or in the hands of the enemy can be used to defeat the power that God possess.

Oh, the battle ensues and Satan tries to take us down bringing defeat to our minds. But in Him, there is no defeat. We are conquerors and co-heirs with Christ.

So we stand. We worship. And we fight in the power of His Truth. For Truth always defeats the lie.

This cancer will not have me because God does. That is the truth.  May this cancer be used to refine me that more of His Truth may be seen through me.

That is my battle cry.

And on this battlefield, when the landscape is uncertain and the terrain unknown. I stand strong in my God who knows the hills and the valleys. Trusting that He will guide me through.

He has done that and more.

And this Sunday, as I sat surrounded by God's people, this battle cry rang out once again. The next phase of the battle dawning. Radiation begins tomorrow. My emotions laid just under the surface, ready to spring forth. They were hidden even from me. As the words spilled forth from my heart to my lips to the throne of God, so too, the tears came. Not tears of pain. Not tears of sorrow. Tears of triumph. Triumph for what He has already overcome and triumph for what is to come.

And I will bring praise. For no weapon formed against will prevail.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and the power of His might." Eph. 6:10

(pause the songs at the bottom of the blog so that you can listen to this song. 

There are a couple seconds of silence in the beginning.)

This is my prayer in the desert

when all that’s within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord, through the flame.

And I will bring praise. I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

This is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I’ll stand

I will bring praise. I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life in every season you are still God 

I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

I will bring praise. I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice. I will declare.

God is my victory and He is here.

This is my prayer in the harvest

when favor and providence flow

I know I’m filled to be emptied again

the seed I’ve received I will sow. 

Much love,

Stacy

Bare

My calendar last week greeted me with 4 days of doctors appointments. What I had pictured as "time off", from chemo to radiation, was beginning to look quite different. Walking through cancer, there really is no "time off." It is always there. The reality. The possibilities. The doctors. There was no letting down this month between me and the medical community. Instead, we have broadened our relationships to now include a staff of radiation specialists....doctors, nurses, technicians and receptionists included.

More people on my path who I have the privilege of meeting. Lives intersecting through cancer. Relationships that might never have been built outside of this disease and my treatment.

Last Tuesday began with my Radiation Simulation appointment. The pre-radiation appointment, if you will, where images are made of my chest so that the radiation can be targeted to the desired location.

When I arrived, a nurse quickly greeted me in the waiting room. She lead me through the next door and guided me past the lockers that would hold my belongings each day as my treatment was underway, to the cabinet that held the hospital gowns, to the changing room and finally to the chairs that would hold me as I waited for my name to be called. This path would mark my footsteps for 28 consecutive days beginning in January.  It will be a path that I will come to know well.

I completed the steps and sat in the small, back waiting room, dressed in the gown, bare underneath from the waist up....waiting. My nurse reappeared and walked me down the wide corridor to the imaging room.

The room was warm, but somehow a chill still ran through my body. I didn't want to be here. I sat quietly, somewhat nervously as she began her job. She was all all business. She had a job to do. My eyes gazed around the room as she prepared. Before me was the cat scan machine and a long, narrow bed attached to the machine. There was a closed door connecting to another room and a window along the same wall covered in metal blinds. Beyond that room were the technicians, I presumed, waiting with their imaging computers for my body to come up on their screens. The room was quiet.

She said she was ready and positioned me on the table. Underneath me laid a trash bag filled with the magic potion that would make the mold of my body. A mold that would hold me each day of treatment as the radiation did its job, hopefully killing any lingering cancer cells near my chest wall. A mold positioning me just right, made to fit my body exactly, cradling me, holding me.

My arms were raised overhead, hands loosely clasped, face turned to the side. Body exposed with nothing more than a thin sheet covering my chest, of which she had to take off marking my sides with a marker.

Bare.

It is a word that seems to define my exterior a lot these days. A bare head. Bare eyes with just traces of eyelashes left, bare eyebrows, the hair that is suppose to layer my exterior is gone.

And yet God reminds me that I am clothed in His mighty robes of righteousness and beauty. Robes that are lavish and deeply colored. Robes of royalty and an inheritance of glory that is waiting for me one day. A robe that is crisp and clean from the forgiveness that He freely extends each day. And I have to constantly bring this reality to the forefront of my mind and heart....meditating on Him alone or the bareness of my physical body will overtake me with grief. All that has been shed.

My mind goes to my Jesus who laid bare in the manger as He made His entrance into this world. As the animals in the stable carried on around Him. As the Wise Men came peering in on Jesus with awe and wonderment, probably never realizing the true beauty that laid before them. Beauty that was just in this baby, but what He had come to do. A purpose to fulfill. And then 33 years later, Bare...He would hang on a cross. Naked, beaten, bruised, hurting in pain unimaginable.....for you and for me. As onlookers mocked him, ridiculed him and gazed at his naked frame. Unknowing that He was the King of all Kings.  Their redeemer. And that while His outward man was perishing, His inward soul was being renewed by the hand of His Father. There He hung, fully God and fully man.....something my mind has a hard time wrapping itself around.

He was willing to be bare.

It wasn't the outside that mattered so much as the inside. What laid beneath the surface. That was the business He was after.

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary,

 but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Temporary versus eternal.

What we think is important in our eyes, compared to what is important in God's eyes.

And He is getting to the heart of my interior. The stripping away that began the moment I sat in the hair dressers chair months ago. I knew it in my heart. That this was just the beginning. As the hair fell softly to the floor that day. That God was doing a new work in my heart. But for that work to be accomplished, the old would have to go. Old patterns of thinking. Old habits. Old paradigms.

The stripping continues.

I don't lose heart. There are days I am tired and feel like this journey may go on forever. But I know He is doing a work deep within. Cleaning the lens and showing me what is of greater value.

The exterior is temporary. Let's face it. It grows old. It sags. It lets us down. We can spend oodles of money trying to make it better, but at the end of the day....it will die. We all will, someday.

But the soul, the interior.....as the body grows weak, the interior....through Christ.....can grow strong. It can blossom and grow. It can be renewed. And often, that renewing comes through the road of affliction.

I will be laid bare for that work to be accomplished in me. It is worth it. He is worth it. The eternal weight of glory is worth it.

And so I press on, trying not to look at what my eyes want to behold in the mirror, but what the mirror of God's Word beholds in me. That as God speaks to my heart about matters of my soul, I will respond in obedience and willingness.

She worked quickly pushing the sides of the trash bag against my body, holding it there as the liquid inside settled into place, hardening into a cast. I had my ipod in hand. I knew I needed to go to the place that truly brought me peace and rest. My body laid upon the narrow table, the catscan machine waiting just beyond my head....ready.

She made small talk as she worked. But I really didn't want to talk. I wanted to just be still. Once again, I choked back the tears that seem to sting my eyes so easily these days. They come from nowhere and freely flow down my cheeks when I least expect it. It is as if they sit, waiting. I closed my eyes, releasing the tension that stiffened my body. And then she left. It was just me and the machine.....and God, who never leaves or forsakes us. He is there, always.

Worship music began flooding my ears as I praised Him in the quietness and warmth of the room. The table slid into the machine, the whirl began as the machine took its pictures and the imaging began. I was transported to the throne of the Almighty. Peace flooded my heart. The bareness was replaced with the shelter of God Himself. He is my covering. As He whispered His love to my heart and my heart in return cried to Him. And we met again in the cat scan tunnel.

Time moved quickly as the table ushered me back into the room. My arms were numb and heavy from being stationary over my head for so long. The nurse returned and told me I could rest my arms. As I tried to move them they banged against my body with an uncontrolled heaviness. Blood began returning to my fingertips, as the nurse prepared my body for the radiation tatoos....4 of them....marking my body permanently. Pricks of a needle, forever marked by radiation. Forever marked by this breast cancer road, once again.

As the imaging appointment finished, I retraced my previous steps and walked out into the brisk air. Later that day, my oncologist called to tell me that there was a problem with my imaging. As it turns out, my left breast was a bit too large, thus inhibiting the radiation ray to my chest wall. She informed me that she had called my plastic surgeon, relaying this information and that my left side needed to be somewhat deflated.

Last Friday, I went to my plastic surgeon. He took the stitches out from my mole removal procedure the week before, He happily informed me that my moles all came back completely clear...no abnormal cells at all....Praise God! And then he took 125ML of saline out of my left breast leaving me, shall we say....a little bit lopsided.

And this too is temporary....following radiation....he will reinflate me for two months leading up to my final reconstruction surgery in late April.

So this morning, I was back to the radiation department, walking back through the paths leading to the cat scan imaging room....for imaging number 2. Same nurse, same room, same procedure. As she rolled me into the machine, Ipod once again playing and earphones snuggly in my ears.....a light shone through my closed eyes as worship music flooded my ears......with the words.....broken into beautiful.

That is our God.....He takes the broken, the bare....and makes us beautiful as we submit to His loving and gracious hand. He has heart work that He is after.

May we not lose heart.....

Much love today,
Stacy

Door #3 - Radiation

Last week, December 8th to be exact, door #3 of treatment stood before me.

The door read: RADIATION

No sooner had chemo ended one week before, and here we were traveling quickly to the next phase of treatment.

I wasn't really ready. I just wanted to stand still for a bit and rest. Wait. Savor the moments of chemo being over and bit by bit my body returning to normal.

But the door stood there ajar. Waiting for me to cross the threshold.

9:00AM, consultation with Dr. S.

Months prior, Barclay and I had met with two different Radiation Oncologists. We heard all the statistics.  Why radiation was needed for my cancer. You see, when the mastectomy was done back in July, I had two positive lymph nodes that held cancer and In situ cancer (DCIS) was found .3mm from my chest wall. It was the chest wall issue that caused the doctor's concern and necessitated my need for radiation.

So we prayed. We sought the Lord on this matter, asking Him to show us His way. To bring all into agreement, if this is what we were to do.

We had talked to two other Radiation Oncologists, my Integrative doctor and my Medical Oncologist. All agreed.

And whereas, I really didn't want to proceed down this passageway.....I knew that is where my feet needed to travel.

But I was uneasy about my doctor. We hadn't met yet and it was so important for me to click with her. To feel comfortable in her hands. I knew she was well respected, but also knew that I didn't want to be a numbers and figures on a chart, as I had felt when meeting other doctors. I need my doctors to see me as a woman, with a family facing a disease. So far, God has given that to me, and more.

Wednesday morning came, as the dates on the calendars always do. I awoke early and spent some time in prayer and reading my Bible. I knew this morning, I needed protection...God's protection and His divine Truths to wash over me calming my restless heart. Refocusing my attention on Him and off the hours that laid ahead.

I am constantly aware that without Him I am weak and misguided. That left to myself, I am without peace and direction. Without strength. Without hope.

He is my everything. And He has the answers that I don't have. He calms the storm that begins rising within me.

"And Peter answered Him and said, 'Lord, if it is You, command me to come to you on the water.' So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, 'Lord, save me!' And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him...." Matthew 14:28-31

My eyes need to be fixed on Him....everyday. Every hour. Every minute.

And so that morning, I fixed my eyes on Him. Seeking His shelter and His peace.

He is faithful leading me in His Word to exactly what I needed to hear deep in my heart.

He lead me to Psalm 108.

And I read....

"I will praise You, O Lord, among the peoples, And I will sing your praises to You among the nations.....that Your beloved may be delivered, save with Your right hand, and hear me.....Give us (me) help from trouble, For the help of man is useless. Through God we (I) will do valiantly, For it is  He who shall tread down our (my) enemies." 

He again showed me that He is fighting this enemy....cancer. He is my help. He is my deliverer. Through Him I will do mighty things.....and He will take down this enemy. His way, in His time. All I need to do is stand strong in Him, each and every day and wait on the Lord.

I know I sound like a broken record.....but really....in God is victory and strength. He takes down strongholds and parts the sea. He takes down the giants and desires us to live abundantly in Him.

So I choose Him over everything else.

I stood confident in Him as I walked through the Radiation door.

And He showed Himself strong.

From the receptionist, to the nurse to the Radiation Oncologist......more than I could have asked for.

They were all lovely. They were gentle with me. They were kind. They made me laugh. And the conversation with Dr. S wasn't focused on statistics and percentages of recurrence. She focused on me. Where I began, where I had gone these last 8 months, and why we were seated in front of her that day. And whereas she agreed, that radiation is needed, she ended with saying...."Stacy, ultimately you can choose if this is what is best for you."

No forcing. No medical muscles flexed to intimidate.

A choice.

And isn't that what everything comes down to....choices. Will we chose Him? Will we walk in His love and His strength? Will be rest in His peace?

That morning as I chose to start with Him. Stay with Him and be lead by Him.....He held me tightly.

And so we walk through this door....Beginning in January, I will go through 28 days of radiation therapy. 5 days a week. Targeting my right side from my clavicle to just under my rib cage.

Until then, I have appointments to set up the specs for my radiation. A custom mold made of me for the radiation table. Imaging to target the radiation in the right spots. And then on we go...ready.

And so, with peace and confidence in God alone,  I walk through the next door trusting that God has gone before me.

And as I walk this cancer journey, I am learning more and more that rest is not the absence of trials and difficulty.....rest is the presence of God.

Are you resting in Him today, no matter where He has you?


Much love,
Stacy

Do you see what I see.....

So a little laughter on Monday morning is always a good way to start the day.

On Sunday morning, during breakfast, I was showing the kids my new peach fuzz, telling them that daddy said it was like the head of a newborn baby. Saying that they could now picture what I looked like as a baby, a long time ago. My new fuzz is super fine, kinda white and wispy.  It will probably fall out as it changes over to "real" hair.  The excitement builds as we wait to see what my 'new' hair will look like. Most say it comes in darker and curlier. Time will tell.

Well, My 10 year old, in such a sweet, childlike manner piped in, "Yeah, but mom you have teeth, babies don't have teeth!"

The boys, all gathered around the kitchen table, with two of their friends who had spent the night, started laughing hysterically.....I think picturing me with no teeth.

I, too, couldn't stop laughing and said to the boys..."It is bad enough not having hair, can you imagine what I'd look like right now with peach fuzz and no teeth!"

Thanking God for the little things....peach fuzz and teeth. :)

"Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new.' And He said to me, 'Write, for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 21:5

Much love today,

Stacy

It's been a long week....

Today was beautiful.

I'm not speaking of the weather. That too, was beautiful.  From frigid 30's for the past week to the 50's today. Yes, the air lost its bite and a warmth was replaced.

But today was beautiful for other reasons.

Today, 120 women gathered at our church celebrating our Savior at our Women's Christmas luncheon. Breaking bread together. Worshipping together. Fellowshipping together joined by the common thread of Jesus Christ our Lord...sisters in Christ.

And God was there. His Spirit was felt in such a tangible way as He moved through the hearts of the women, especially mine.  As He spoke through the woman sharing the message from Isaiah 9:6:

"For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called 

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Speaking Truth, speaking love, speaking of prophecy and fulfillment, speaking of the gift of salvation and the greatest gift giver, all wrapped in one. Jesus Christ. Speaking of the character of Jesus. Who He is and what He's done for us.

That the focus of this season is not just a baby laying in a manager. That was Jesus's earthly entrance fully God and fully man. That day in Bethlehem was life changing. But Jesus came to do so much more. He walked among us fulfilling a purpose. Bestowing upon us a gift wrapped in more love than our minds can fathom...the giving of Himself.....and He suffered unjustly on the cross at Calvary for my sins and yours, died and rose again....alive today.....seated at God's right hand on the heavenly throne desiring a relationship with you and me.

From the manager, to the cross, to the throne.

May we celebrate Him this Christmas season. May we get to know more of His heart. More of His thoughts. More of His ways. May we focus on the gift giver. Thanking Him and loving Him, giving more to Him than to any other. He is the greatest gift giver.

He is Wonderful. The great Counselor. Mighty God and Everlasting Father. The Prince of Peace.

He is worthy.

Do you know Him? May we all seek Him this Christmas season.

It was a beautiful ending to a long week and so humbling and fulfilling seeing God bring 6 months of prayer and preparation to fulfillment, as He allows me to oversee our church's Women's Ministry. What a privilege.

On another note....

I'm sorry I've been away for the last week or so.  After chemo, I retreated to my bed for a few days. Bone pain descended. Fatigue took over. But God gave respite even in the midst of this last recovery, allowing me to attend a much anticipated wedding and also make it to church last Sunday.  Each day I fell into bed quickly thereafter, but was thankful to make it out. By Tuesday, I was back on my feet feeling restored once again and chemo a thing of my past.

In the midst of final luncheon preparations this past week, I had my first radiation oncology appointment on Wednesday. Bible Study Thursday morning and then that afternoon, I had two moles removed in an outpatient procedure. Friday set up for the luncheon and then ahh.....rest right now.

It has been a long week. I hope to share more about my appointment this week, as God moved mountains once again and spoke so intimately to my heart the morning of my radiation appointment. And then Satan, as is His way, tried to wreak havoc on my mind on Thursday following my procedure. He surely doesn't want me walking in Christ's victory, or entering Christ's rest. And He ramped things up on Thursday after my plastic surgeon informed me he is a little worried about the mole taken off my back.

So we wait for pathology to come back this week. And as I wait, I will rest in the Lord and His goodness because again.....He is Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

I don't have to understand why things happen as they do, but I trust in a God who does and who holds me in His righteous right hand.

That is where I am resting tonight. I pray you are too!

Much love,
Stacy

PS...A huge thank you to my sweet blogging sister in the Lord, Lisa. I came to post tonight and saw all your precious comments, quickly learning that Lisa had shared my story of God's Victory on her blog. I was humbled beyond words. My heart was touched by each one of you. Thank you for praying me through this breast cancer journey. I hope to stop by and say hi to each of you.

And lastly....yes, I will stop here......8 years ago today, my precious boy, Joshua, went home to be with the Lord. Hard to believe it has been 8 years. In many ways it seems like yesterday and in others....it seems like forever. He is being remembered today. A precious gift to our family in so many ways. Again, God set forth the perfect day, a day my mind was on Him and all that He has done. God gives and takes away....blessed be the Lord.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:7

Victory - last chemo treatment!

5:30AM

The bedside alarm sounds.

I am unfazed. In a deep slumber. Just a little longer echoes in my mind as I unconsciously lean over turning off the alarm. No snooze. Off. 

And my mind and spirit wrestle as I drift back off to sleep. 

"Come to Me." I hear. I'm waiting whispers the voice of God. 

And I so want to go but don't. Sleep ensues. 

And He waits. He doesn't have too, but He does. He stands at the door. Not being an intrusive God. Not forceful. And I'm sure, His heart is aching for me to choose Him over sleep. 

He wakes me up at 6:42 with an urgency. I'm awake. The need to be with Him overtakes my need for more sleep. 

Forgive me, Lord. I'm sorry. 

And the hand of forgiveness is extended. His grace poured out. 

I am on a mission as I slip out the bedroom door and go to my new meeting space with the Lord. 

The house is quiet and dark. Stillness abounds. 

In that stillness we meet as a divine appointment had been planned unbeknownst to me. 

Jesus had something to speak to my heart. Something I needed for today and each day going forward. 

His love is abundant and real like that. He has that for each of us if only we "Come and meet Him."

So we met as we do almost everyday. This day He poured out upon me as if a deluge of living water flooded my heart with words that dripped truth from every drop. 

As the rain outside poured heavily this morning and the wind swept the rain, so too, the Holy Spirit was doing a work in my heart, deep inside. 

You see, today, Wednesday, December 1st, was chemo #8, my last treatment. A day marked forever on the calendar. A day signifying the end and a new beginning. A day that should be filled with joy and thanksgiving. Rejoicing. 

And I was struggling.

I kept looking past today with the reality that my cancer could come back and with it, more chemo. More treatments. More pain. Was today really the end? What if it is temporary, as I wait through the next 5 years. The next 10 years. What if it comes back and I am back in this room, in this chair?  I will be forever in relationship with my oncologist. Forever tested, scanned and prodded. Forever on alert to signs in my body signifying a return. 

And I put up a wall of protection. I justified my feelings saying I was living in reality. The reality that my cancer could return. I can "Do" all the right things: eat well, take my supplements, exercise, rest, go for Vit. C treatments, get chemo, get radiation.... and yet, my cancer is in God's hands. My future, it too lies outside of my control in the hands that created me. 

And He asked me this morning, "Will you walk in victory or in defeat?" Will you walk by faith, trusting that I have something good for you no matter what? I go before you in all things. Trust Me. Or will you walk in your old ways.....fear? Fearing the future, trusting, putting my hope in "things" outside of him, fearing cancer?"

That four letter word that has been attached to my heart for too many years. I thought I was free from fear and that I had let those weights go long ago. 

But I had picked them back up. You see my greatest fear in life has always been cancer and my health. And it ultimately came down to control, gripping tightly to the tangible or letting go to the seemingly intangible. Walking by faith not by sight. 

God was asking me this morning to face that fear head on, with Him as He gently lead me by the hand through His Word. His Word is truth and there the intangible becomes alive. Real. Abundant. Tangible.

And He walked me through the fear. He named the sin for me. And isn't that what we do with sin. We justify. We try to give it a pretty name or even pretend that it isn't even there. 

But God...those two words that change it all. He says "in me there is victory and with victory there is peace and there is rest. Will you grab ahold of Me? Will you posses the victory that is yours in Christ.  He wants us to repent. To come to Him, confess, and be cleansed. 

He sent the cleansing rain this morning. 

With the house quiet, the lights low and my heart ready. We met. 

As we began our walk together through His Word. He didn't waste any time. 

I picked up my devotional reading:

"There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God." Hebrews 4:9

That rest includes victory: "The Lord gave them rest on every side.....The Lord handed all their enemies over to them" Joshua 21:44. "Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:57

And you know what....I didn't realize this this morning as I read, but as I typed that last verse just now and then typed where it is found in the Bible, I stopped.

You see, my life verse is 1 Corinthians 15:58. God gave me that verse when I was pregnant with Joshua just days before I knew that he was fatally ill. It is my life verse because it stands as the platform upon which I stand with Christ.

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing your labor is not in vain in the Lord." 

My life is in Him and a work of Him. And this verse proceeds it. "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 

As I type I am in awe once again in my Father, Jesus Christ.

I can be steadfast and immovable because He is. And He gives me the victory through Him alone. 

It is the bookend to my faith. As this walk of cancer has been for me. Josh was one end and this cancer has been and will continue to be another. Two roads looking completely different on the outside, but doing a work much the same, only deeper on the inside. 

He goes before us in ALL things just as this verse goes before the other. 

Victory. 

Victory includes peace. Victory includes rest. Victory is the absence of war. Where there is peace, there is no fear. That is only found in Christ.

You see, the devotional went on to tell the story of a Christian woman, who was plagued by fear, trouble and anxiety. She had a dream. In that dream God met her. She was walking on a highway and on that highway all the people were carrying black bundles. The people were tired and they were weighted down...burdened.  These bundles were being dropped along the road by scary, creepy looking creatures. And as one bundle dropped someone quickly picked it up, carrying it along. She, too, carried her black bundles. 

After awhile, she looked up and starred into the face of man whose face shined with light, peace and love. He moved through the crowd. He came to her and asked her why she was carrying those bundles? He told Him how tired she was. They were heavy. He looked her in the eyes and told her, "Those bundles are not from Me. You have no need for them. They are the devil's burdens weighing you down. Drop them and refuse to pick them up again. Then you will find your path easy and you will feel carried on the wing's of eagles. (Ex. 19:4)

She dropped those black bundles, laid herself at the feet of Jesus and her heart was filled with peace. You see she possessed the victory. She choose to live in it. She choose Him.

And I bowed my head and prayed. I poured out my life to Christ surrendering it all to Him, again. 

I then, opened my Bible, to Daniel. And God in His perfect way lead me through His Word, laying my eyes on the exact words that my heart needed to hear. One verse, lead to another, and another until He brought me to my final resting place.

In Daniel He showed me that Daniel "Purposed in His heart that He would not sin and instead, seek holiness and purity." That is He sought God. He would not eat the food dedicated to idols. That which goes against God. 

Because of this, Daniel was victorious. You see he was going against the king's instruction and choosing God. All signs said that he would die, be cut off by going against the king and eating something different. But when God is for you, who can rise up against you?" God had gone before Daniel. He was doing a work. He honors obedience and blesses purity. 

A test ensued and guess what, God won and so Daniel won. Victory. It is the Lords. It is ours. 

And He took me to Psalm 68

My eyes soaked up each word and as they came to verse 7, "O God, when You went out before Your people, when you marched them through the wilderness, the earth shook, The heavens also dropped rain at the presence of God.....You, O God, sent a plentiful rain." 

He went before His people. He sent rain.

At this point, I couldn't get enough. God had set out the appetizer, and now I was moving onto the meal. 

I dug deeper. 

I went to Exodus 13:21 and read of the Great Exodus out to Egypt and right before the Israelites were ready to cross the Red Sea, after a long and arduous journey. Hard. Painful. Questioning. Carried. 

God reminds them....."And the LORD went before them, by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so as to go by day and night." He didn't take the pillar away.

He lead them.

He went before them.

He never left.

He's done the same for you and for me. What do I have to fear?

He prepares. He seeds. He waters. He brings forth a harvest. If only we will Come and follow.

And then He took me to the final resting place for my heart this morning. 

The place I needed to be this morning, before I walked through the chemo doors one last time. How would I walk through those doors? Rejoicing in Christ's victory? With peace and joy? or weighed down? Dragging? Fearing the future? 

He laid my eyes to rest in Deuteronomy chapter 11.

As I started at the beginning and read through, coming to verse 8....it was there....there that I began to weep tears of joy, tears of thanksgiving.....tears of deep gratitude and love to my Heavenly Father. 

He met me. Taught me. Changed me. Encouraged me. Broke me only to renew me!

"Therefore, you shall keep every commandment which I command you today, that you may be STRONG and go in and POSSESS the land which you cross over to possess, and that you may PROLONG your days in the land which the Lord swore to give your fathers, to them, and their descendants, A LAND FLOWING WITH MILK AND HONEY. For the land which you go in to posses is not like the land of Egypt from you have come, where YOU sowed YOUR seed and watered it by foot, as a vegetable garden; BUT the land which you cross over to possess is a land of hills and valleys, which drinks water from the rain of heaven, a land for which the Lord your God CARES."

Deuteronomy 11:8-12

He was speaking to the new generation of Israelites who would be ushered into the promised land through Joshua. Moses is challenging them to seek God, the true victor. Their strength. Their guide. The one and only true God. 

Here is how God spoke to my heart.....

Stacy, obey me in all things. In Me lies strength. Go and take hold of the victory that I have for you. Possess it. Take possession. I want to lead you to the other side of these treatments. The other side of your journey. I desire your days to be long as you rest in me. With victory comes rest and peace. My ways are filled with that...milk and honey......joy, peace, abundance, rest. Don't go back to fear. Your old ways. Don't walk in your own strength and wisdom. What I have for you will still have hills and valleys, but those hills and valleys are watered by me. The rain I send will bring forth a harvest of righteousness. I care for you. Trust me, today. I go before you in all things. Do not fear the future. I am with you and if I lead you back to the cancer lounge one day, if your cancer returns....I will have prepared you for that day and where I am, there you, too, shall be. Walk victorious. "There is no fear in love." 

May His words be cemented to my heart. I don't ever want to forget. 

Literally the floodgates poured open. My eyes were opened and my heart received.

I had peace.  And I walked in it, in Him, today through the last chemo treatment.

My friends, God is good. What He gave me today, He has for each of you. He shows no partiality. His love is the same. His Word is alive because He is alive. And He has an amazing plan for each of our lives. Are you walking in His victory. You can, even in the midst of your circumstances. Choose Him today. Your life will be forever changed. 

I sat in that chair this morning a victor. I pray that door never opens again for me, but I am confident of this, if it does, He has gone before me. He will make the path straight. And today, today....I walk in that confidence, no fear. And today is the only day I am asked to walk; obediently, purely, seeking Him.  He will take care of my tomorrows. Blessed be the name of the Lord!!

Chemo #8- it was a celebration on every level...I'll share more tomorrow! 

Chemo complete...the chair is now empty......

As God has laid before me doors and passageways, I prayed as I walked over that threshold, out the chemo door.....

That the door will close forever, but the work in my heart will continue......to God be the glory!


Thank you for walking through with me. I am eternally grateful. Please pray for me as I enter into the next 6 days of chemo effects, fatigue and pain. May I lean on the Lord through it all.

In Christ alone,
Stacy

a note from stacy's sister

greetings everyone! writing to you today is stacy's sister, tasha. i've hijacked her blog for a post to share something exciting.

first, i will tell you that stacy is doing well. she sat in the chemo chair again this week and is responding better than she has in past weeks. she is feeling tired, but has more energy than she has with prior treatments. every little bit counts, right? praise God for this!

now, on to my announcement- this saturday i am running in a 10k to raise funds for stacy. you can follow my story (if you so choose) by tuning in to www.diaryofasuburbanmomma.blogspot.com. i will be running at 9:00am (pacific time) and would love it if you would join me by praying for me as i run. i'm not a runner by nature, so i'm going to need God's strength to carry my little legs to the finish.

you can also support this run (and directly support stacy) by donating to "the betties" fundraising efforts. one hundred percent of the money raised goes to stacy- it will help pay for the co-pays and deductibles and the like.

thank you, in advance, for your prayers and support. and thank you also for the encouragement that you blog readers have shared with her.

in Him-
tasha

One Week later....I press on...

"....that I may gain Christ, and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith....that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings.........not that I have already attained, or am already perfected, but I press on...."Philippians 3:8-12

Oh how those words of Paul speak to my heart this week. I press on. It has been an ongoing phrase for me as I've navigated these cancer waters....I press on. I'm not a girl who often wants to look back, make excuses or wallow in pain and heartache. I press on, looking ahead trusting again that God has something so beautiful in store. So Paul's words hit me today in the core of my heart. "Lord, I want to know you more. I want to be found in you, rooted, established, settled, loved, secure. I want to rest in you and your beauty. Your holiness. Your power and your Truth.

It's been a week. Hard to believe that this time last Thursday I was out of surgery and in my room. It is all so foggy, so I thank God for these pages where i can piece together the thought threads that are weaving together my tapestry. That in pressing on, I can look back with joy, even today at where God has brought me in this week. The touches I've experienced from so many lives of people brought around me. Lives that i have had the privilege to encounter.

A week ago.....out of surgery, breasts removed, expanders in, and lymph nodes being sent to the lab to be scrutinized under a microscope, as we awaited the last pieces of information that would define my cancer. That would determine my treatment plan.

It has been a week of newness. A new 'altered' body. Remembering the first day the nurse came in to change my gauze pads. I had been wound tightly with an ace bandage around a therapeutic bra. She needed to change the gauze pads. I was afraid to look. Afraid to look down under the dressings at what I would see. Who is this new me? The tears welled up in my eyes, but the realization flooded over me that I haven't changed. My body can change. My breasts can be bigger, they can be smaller, but they don't define me. God does. Surgery, cancer, chemo, radiation....it can alter me, but it can't take me.

It has been a week with a new perspective on life and health. A new compassion for those facing breast cancer. A new realization of physical pain and the anticipation that my next dose of pain meds was around the corner bringing relief. Pain that went beyond what I have ever experienced. A tightness that would grab ahold of my chest as if a boa constrictor was squeezing the air out of me. Pain in my right armpit that would pierce through my underarm and radiate down the sides of my chest wall. The peace that would wash over me as the nurses would gently bring me my next dose of pain med that would temporarily give relief for sleep.

A new "foggy" narcotic brain....I'm usually on top of things and now the routine question is "Did I tell you this already?" "Have we already talked about this?" "I can't remember." The newness of surgical drains (2 on each side of my armpits) that allow the excess fluid to filter out of my body for healing and the routine that is added to my day of emptying and measuring them three times a day. The newness of fatigue that quickly envelops me where I have no choice but to be still and close my eyes, even if for a brief moment. The newness of cancer.

But with this thing called cancer and this past week, I have been blessed beyond measure. In all the newness, I've experienced the love of so many family and friends. People that I have let into the intimate moments of my life and the new physical me. Those who have laughed with me, cried with me and held my hands. Those precious friends who knowing I didn't want to be alone, gently knocking on my door, entering in and just praying with me. Words didn't even need to be spoken. The sweet friend who brought me a smoothie.....knowing I was having trouble eating much of anything else and knowing that would hit the spot. The gentle caress of a dear sister's hand against mine. My sweet and precious children coming and hugging me and bringing me get well cards. And sweet little Jed wanting to get up on bed next to me and snuggle in for but a moment.

Beautiful friends who offered to take our three oldest boys on Saturday to their dirtbike race, so Barclay could stay with me. And throughout the day, as I'm not a momma who misses a race easily.....this dear friend emailed and texted me updates throughout the morning. The friends that pushed through the awkward, silent moments to really see how I was doing. My dear friend brushing my hair, just that simple act of compassion as I couldn't raise the brush to do it myself. Those who just sat with me, even while I drifted in and out of sleep. And then my husband grabbing ahold of my hand and walking me down the hall and outside onto a small patio as we sat in the hot sun thanking God for our marriage, our love, our lives. The beauty on Sunday morning, as Barclay laid next to me just laying my hand in his, telling me he loved me, no matter what...the new altered body.....didn't matter. He loved me. Together, by God's grace we will make it to the other side. So, together, we press on.

I am so blessed and thankful. It has been a week of many blessing us with meals, gift bags, flowers, emails, visits and cards. And it has been a week of waiting, again for the final report.

Since I wasn't allowed to shower fully, per doctor's orders......my hair was in desperate need of being washed. We weren't sure how this would be accomplished due to my pain level and limited mobility. It had also been since early April since I had my hair cut and highlighted. As one who is difficult to sit still, I called my hairdresser and my aunt graciously took me to get a hair wash and quick cut. I have been reluctant to get it cut, not knowing how much longer I would even have my hair, and not really wanting to spend the money if it was all coming off. Well, I succumbed and whereas was totally exhausted after that appointment, boy did I feel like a new woman.

And then today....the final news was delivered. I went to see my plastic surgeon this morning to see how I was doing and have two of my drains removed. He was quite pleased with my healing so far. I must also say, upon looking at my breasts again, without any saline yet, I actually have some form and shape. It made us all laugh as I can only imagine what I'll look like in 6 weeks after the filling draws to an end. Let's just say, I'm certainly not looking to draw attention, but a little cleavage would be nice. I'm being assured by my lovely plastic surgeon that that will be doable. We have to laugh, don't we!! At the end of the day all that really matters is my overall health, but to have a perky 18 year old body again in one area...well, I'm not complaining. :)

I then received the call this afternoon from my breast surgeon. Here is the low down: cancer was found in 2 of my lymph nodes. I think she said 9 were taken out. The two that had cancer were sentinel nodes, so good that the cancer hasn't gone any further. But on each node the cancer was approximately 4mm...a little bigger than she had hoped. They also found a small pre-cancerous non-invasive spot called DCIS 1mm from my chest wall. Other than that, nothing new found in the breast tissue and overall, she was pleased. Her part is now pretty much done. I will meet with her again next Friday.

The rest of the day was filled with phone calls between my breast care coordinator scheduling appointments for the next two weeks. On Wednesday, back to Dr. Singer (plastic surgeon), on Thursday, 2:00 appointment with our first radiation oncologist, Friday, Dr. Chang (breast surgeon), July 5th, 2:00 with Dr. Cheryl Johnson, Medical Oncologist, Friday, August 6th, Dr. Jennifer Armstrong, Paoli Hospital Medical Oncologist. Then we will also have a consult with Fox Chase Cancer Center in Philadelphia with both Medical and radiation oncologists to get one final opinion. We are waiting for that date. We will gather all the information and pray that God brings clarity to the decision for my treatment plan. That He makes the pathway easy to navigate.

And we press on through Jesus Christ....next step to treatment before us.

I pray that as you walk along this journey with me, you know that I hold each of you dear to my heart. I don't claim for a moment to have any of this figured out. Daily there is some fear, there is some anxiety due to all the uncertainties, there are tears, there is frustration, there is pain, both physical and emotional.....but one thing I hold true is that I do not waiver....in the love of Christ and the power of God that rests upon me. I choose Him. I surrender to Him. I cling to Him and call out to Him to deliver me from all the emotions that quickly flood my mind. And that is where I am finding victory. He is giving me the grace to stand. He is putting the smile on my face. Whatever you are going through right now, His grace is available to you too. It is available to all.

"So I say to you, ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened unto you." Luke 11:9

"Jesus said, I am the way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

I'm not kidding myself, this cancer thing....it is hard! It stinks. But through the grace of God, I will press on. I will stand victorious. I will look to Him and give Him the glory. Thank you for pressing on and standing strong with me.

Much love,

Stacy

Home

Surgical Care Room #19, another stepping stone on this journey of breast cancer. A stopping place for many a friendly face during those three days. A hospital room, but also my temporary home as my recovery began.

One of our prayers going into surgery was that God would grant me a private room so my husband could spend the nights with me. A simple prayer, but a heart desire of mine. God answered. And not only did He answer, but He went above and beyond surrounding me with so many friendly faces, compassionate nurses and gentle hands.

As I've said before, I've prayed that God would show me His fingerprints on each step of this journey. Nothing is an accident. It all comes from the hand of God with a purpose. The day began around 8:30 down in Ambulatory Care. Barclay and my friend, Beth, stood by myside as they started my IV, and went through my admission questions. We all had a chukle when my nurse asked if I had had any previous surgeries and I answered , "Yes, 6 c-sections." She stopped in her tracks and laughingly said, "You're the one!" I guess my baby delivery reputation has preceeded me!

I was transported up to radiology where I was injected with radioactive dye that would help my breast surgeon identify my lymph nodes during surgery. That part was a piece of cake. A couple of short needle pricks and within 10 minutes we were done. Back down to ambulatory care we went to await my 1:00 surgery time.

Barclay called my sister, Heather and my dad who were waiting at home for the ok to come to the hospital. We assembled our own little pre-surgery party complete with hospital gowns, surgical gloves, hospital beds and ice chips. (sounds like a party you want to attend, huh??) I think laughter is medicine for the soul. We had our own little party in my tiny cubicle while passing the time.

My sister, Heather, who is anything but a nurse....I think she gets queasy when medical terms are even being discused, had to turn her head on many a conversation. She immersed herself in her new iphone to tune herself out. Of course, we thought it only appropriate to give her a hard time. She played the part well, as you can see from the picture below, although I never really got that foot massage. We laughed, and joked, we played on our electronic equipment, and joked about the "new me." I think the nursing staff must have thought were were crazy!

And then 1:00 approached and my transport tech emerged around the curtain. The gravity of the moment descended and my heart quickly changed its beat. Tears welled in my eyes as I knew I was entering the passageway that would forever alter my physical body. The ride down the hallways to the Operating room began. The pressure inside of me was building. But God granted us a nurse that had been transporting for over 30 years. She was an angel and brought ease and calm through a tense passageway. We arrived upstairs and as we exited the elevator, I asked her if we could have a moment to pray. It was a beautiful moment. My husband, my sister, dad, and Beth all came around me on the guerny, laid hands on me and ushered me to the throne of grace of our Heavenly Father. We asked for divine healing, for protection, we prayed for the doctor's and staff, for an uncomplicated surgery. We prayed that we would be witnesses to the love of Christ to others and thanked God for this day. This day that he ordained and had He made. With a tear streaked face, a peaceful heart, and one last gaze into the eyes of my beloved.....I was wheeled through the OR doors.

And that transport tech....she told me that she was blessed that day. That God had ministered to her heart and filled her to an overflowing that day....as she was in the presence of the Lord and able to partake of our prayers being lifted up to God. She asked me if my husband was a pastor. And I told her no, He was just a man who loved the Lord. As she brought me to my final stopping point before the surgical room, she leaned over, kissed me and asked if she could give me a hug. My heart was overjoyed again at the goodness of my God. His faithfulness. He was not only holding my hand, but pouring out onto others. He is a God without partiality, whose compassions are for everyone. He is a God who takes a loaf of bread and shares it with everyone......and the bread never runs out. There is abundance. This woman walked away beaming and shaking her head in awe of our God, who I believe is her God too.....another professed believer in Jesus Christ.

The next beautiful face I saw was a lady from church, Heather....who is a surgical OR nurse. She held my hand and stood next to me introducing me to the staff that she had selected to be with me in the OR...many of which were believers. One by one they came to my bedside. Some bringing laughter, some bringing their own stories of cancer, giving me opportunity to share God's love with them. And then Dr. Chang made one last stop by before my time of waiting had come to an end. They gave me some sedation, wheeled me into the OR and off I went to sleep. That was the last I remembered.

As I awoke in recovery, again, God never leaved me abandoned. Through more friendly faces and connections, my husband was allowed back into recovery room even though that is not the norm. He was able to caress my hair and cheek, give me the news that the lymph nodes had cancer, but reassured me again of God's control. With Christ, we will get through this cancer. Around 9:00PM, I was brought to surgical care unit 19 which would be my home for the next 3 days.

I don't remember much that night. Some friends came and went, but my pain drugs were rather significant so all is a little fuzzy. My pastor came and prayed over me and annointed me with oil. My husband held my hand and prayed. And sleep overcame me as i was washed with the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

I cherished the next two days. I was blessed to have my Aunt Kay, a breast cancer survivor, sit with me in addition to my Aunt Pam, who both serve as second mother's to me. I didn't even have to ask and they were there for me. My sister, Heather, from Texas had given up a previously scheduled weekend in California for a home business seminar to be by my side in support and my dad drove up by himself on Wednesday night from NY to be waiting for me following surgery, and then Barclay's parent's came in Thursday from Virginia to shower me and my family with love. I watched everyone give so selflessly of themselves. I was loved, I was made to feel special and I didn't even have to ask. They all took turns between staying home with the children and sitting by my side.

My children came to visit on Friday evening and see that their momma was hurting, but bouncing back quickly. What a breath of fresh air to wrap my arms around their sweet bodies and kiss their precious heads. To give them a squeeze and bring them in close to me.

Friends came and went throughout the day, to sit with me, laugh together, talk through the surgery, answer questions, pray together and share God's Word. I was ushered again and again to the Lord's feet.

My aides brought me smoothies from the labor and delivery floor. They made me a milkshake, as I had trouble keeping most food down, let alone not even having an appetite. They just loved on me and for that I say thank you. And my most favorite nurse, Courtney, was another gift from my Father. She was my day nurse each day and really helped me work through the pain meds that would suit me the best going home. She was a dream. Thank you, Courtney!! I love you.

And so yesterday evening, I arrived home. I have been pretty wiped out and on a cocktail of narcotics, anti-nausea meds, valium for the muscle spasms, and and anti-inflamatory. Precious friends have helped today with the kids, giving them a change of scenery and distractions with their friends. The visiting nurse came today to go over my care. Hands have so graciously brought us meals every evening for dinner. My Aunt Kay will be here until Thursday morning and then my mother in law will come and pick up where my aunt left off. I am truly humbled to be the recipient of God's love.

I go back to my plastic surgeon (Dr. Singer) on Thursday and hope to have at least one set of my surgical drains removed from my sides. He will start to fill up the expanders with saline the following week. I will also begin meeting with medical and radiation oncologists the following week, so that we can begin to make those decisions. The pain is coming somewhat under control. It is hard keeping this girl down, but in all honesty, I am so tired, that the quiet time has been welcomed.

We should hear either tomorrow or Wednesday what the final pathology report will show regarding the cancer on my lymph nodes and exactly how many nodes were included. This will be the final information we take with us to the oncologists. I think sometimes we tend to fear information because of its finality, but with information also comes choices. With this next round of information, we will know what our chemo/radiation choices are. I am glad to have the surgery behind me and now, I pray that Go will equip me and strengthen me for the next step on this road.

Much love,

Stacy