Thursday, September 9, 2010

He is BIG...so BIG!

Are you ready?

It is a simple question and often we make the answer so complex.

On Wednesday, as I walked into Jude Plum hair salon with my husband, and friends by my side, my heart was settled, my focus on the task before us, but my emotions were unstable. My mind raced to the uncertainty of how I would feel when this was all done? How would I feel as the razor hit my head? What would those moments be like? And what I am finding more each day through this cancer journey, is that therein lies my problem. The focus on the emotion which robs me of complete joy and peace in the Lord. My lens so quickly can come out of focus and that which should be last becomes first...me last and Jesus first.

I sat in the chair, pulled my long hair from the clip which held it up and began laughing and talking with my dear friends who had come along. I was showing them that my hair had in fact begun the falling out process. As I ran my fingers through my hair, strands of hair were entangled in my fingers. This was the day this process needed to take place. God knew. I had asked Barclay to capture the moments. Because I never wanted to forget them. And as my head was turned, as my mind was focused on the conversation and the laughter.....Jude Plum picked up the razor and began his task, without asking me if I was ready.

My first response was panic. As the reverberation hit my head and the razor buzzed in my ears, I pulled back, a little annoyed with Jude. Why didn't you let me know you were going to begin, I thought? Ease into this with me, please. Let's take a moment. But, after 30 years of removing the hair from women's heads....Jude knows....that no lady is completely ready to lose her hair. He has to move right in and do the job before him. He was ever so gentle and loving, but as I pulled my head away slightly, he gently tilted it back toward the razor and continued on, never pausing or stopping. He had a job to do and my response had to be submission to the buzz and clipping of the razor in his hand. As I began to let go, my posture began changing. My head fell forward, my eyes closed and I began praying. Going to the one true source of my comfort and peace, my heavenly Father. As each clump of hair fell from my head, a deep stripping away came over me....another level of surrender, another level of letting go...not just of my hair, but the sin entangling my heart, the pain of this disease, and tears began to gently fall across my cheeks as the Holy Spirit washed over me with His love and abundant comfort. Lord, I am yours, completely.

Sitting in that chair Wednesday afternoon, God gave me such a vivid picture of Himself. As that razor was held in Jude's hand with a distinct purpose, so to is this breast cancer trial in the hand of my Lord and Savior. And as He holds each moment, holds each truth that He desires embedded so deeply in my heart....He is holding me and He is holding each of you in your trials and difficulties. And His love is everlasting. But the process must be walked out to arrive at the end. Was I ready for that first cut: not fully. But God knew that first cut was needed and had been preparing my heart for such a time, as I allowed Him in to the tender places of uncertainty that laid within. The razor is only the tool being used to achieve a much greater purpose. All God asks of me to walk in faith and trust the one who holds the razor...submitting. There should be no fear, as there is no fear in love.

I am learning through this trial many things. But what stuck with me yesterday morning, as I was reflecting back over the previous day is this.....I need to stop making my circumstances, my problems, this disease bigger than God and allow God to be in His rightful place: the King of Kings, the Lord of Lord. There is none bigger than God. I need to make God bigger and then He makes my circumstances smaller in my eyes and heart. It doesn't mean the problems go away, it means that my faith is being placed fully in Him and Him alone. That I am trusting Him, because He is the beginning and the end. He is the Alpha and the Omega. And as I put Jesus first in all things, every situation, every emotion, every trial.....He remains strong and faithful seeing me through each difficulty. What seems like the impossible, becomes possible through Him. And when He is on the throne of my heart, I can say....I am ready as I place myself under His Lordship, submitting to what He has allowed to enter my path and my life. How quickly my perspective is eschewed.

Joy is: Jesus first, others second, and me (you) last. So simple. But when this is followed how James 1:2-6 takes on such a real meaning...

"My brethren, count it all joy (Jesus, others, you) when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind."

Trials can be counted JOY because we are putting God first, not ourselves....knowing that God's heart is that we are perfect (spiritually mature) and complete, lacking nothing.

He is a big God. The biggest, "for He commanded and they were created, He also established them forever...." Psalm 148:5...the animals, the mountains, the trees, the seas, the wind, fire, hail and snow, all people....for "His name alone is exalted; His glory is above the earth and the heavens."

And you know what.....as the razor finished its task and I raised my head and opened my eyes....looking at the image being reflected back to me from the mirror, running my hands over this fuzzy new head.....it was well with my soul, because of God.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away;
behold ALL things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17

Here is the "new" me.













The Cheering Squad...Beth, Hillary, me, Allyson and sweet baby Priscilla. Thank you friends!





Jude showing me my many options....hats, hair pieces for under the hats....his bag of tricks if you will.




My Beloved husband

And this is the banner I came home to. I am truly blessed.

Thank you also to my precious family and friends who have financially contributed to the cost of the wig. You have each made this road a little easier to walk and
we love each of you so much.

Once again, God blows me away as I stand in awe of His ongoing provision, in ways my finite mind could never imagine. He is BIG....so Big! :)

Much love,
Stacy

27 comments:

Tracy said...

Stacy, you look absolutely gorgeous!! Thanks you so much for sharing this part of your journey -you are so inspiring. And isn't it amazing how dark our hair is under all this dye?! :)

Love, Tracy

Lynn said...

You ARE beautiful!
Love, hugs, prayers and 'cross-eyed' joy (Heb. 12:2), Lynn

Bill said...

You are so beautiful, I love you.
Dad

Nancy said...

Stacy, you are truly beautiful. Your beauty starts on the inside, in your wonderful heart . . .and radiates out through your amazing smile and eyes that are beams of the Lord's love shinning through!
Love,
Nancy

Mom to 9 Blessings! said...

WOW! I sit here with tears streaming down my face - your words, His love and truth - simply overtake me today!

You my friend are the most gorgeous bald person I have ever seen. Your eyes that I have always loved simply EXPLODE with His joy! Nothing hiding the beauty He so carefully created you to be!

Stacy I love you and am so blessed by sharing in this journey with you!

Can't wait for our next time together.

Hugs for your day!
Jill

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

I am trying to write through my own tears...oh the postER was what I as going to say....YOUR ARE BEAUTIFUL, inside and out!! You truly are a beautiful woman!!
Our pastor addresses his hair last Sunday, they had told him it would take a year...well it has been back for months, the year will be November.
The scan also showed this week..NO Brain Tumor! Praise God!
I praise God for your healing, for what He is doing in your heart, for your family!
YES, OUR GOD IS A BIG GOD!!!!!

Debbie said...

This post has brought me (like so many others) to tears. Your heart for Him is soo inspiring and tender it is downright moving. You are SUCH a pretty lady you can pull off the cut without the help of hats and wigs. Sooo pretty. And the wig is just gorgeous. I honestly can't believe how natural it looks. You truly are beautiful. Your beauty comes from within for sure and shows in your eyes and smile for all the world to see. ~ but what pretty eyes and smile it really is....Our God IS sooo big. HUGS, Debbie

Emily said...

Sweet Friend,

You look amazing!! I am so glad this day is another day behind you on this journey. And, thanks be to God for His unwavering, abundant strength.

Love,
Emily

Kris said...

Stacy, I know you don't know me, but your sister Tasha is one of my nearest and dearest friends. As I have joined her in praying for you, I have been reading your posts along this journey. My heart always swells with joy and wonder as Jesus' grace flows through your lives during these deep waters. Anyway, just felt prompted to let you know that there are so many near and distant in the family of God joining with you a His feet. Blessings, Kristie

Veronica said...

Tears are flowing as I type this. Mostly because of seeing the progression of pics and saying to myself "She is beautfiful" when it got to the last pic of you with all your hair shaved off. I smiled when I read the banner because that's exactly what I'd been thinking too!

Thank you for sharing this and being a blessing to others. The Lord is so good and I know He'll continue to carry you through this.

Hugs,
Veronica

He & Me + 3 said...

Your writing skills are amazing my friend. You are so encouraging in your posts and your comments. Thank you for being my blog friend.
I prayed for you all day yesterday.
So glad that you had so much support for this step. You are gorgeous.
Your wig also looks amazing and you are so cute in that black hat. (I am a hat girl)
Have a blessed day!

The Montgomerys said...

Such a beautiful and deeply personal post. I am astonished by your honesty and openness. You are such a genuine person! A woman that exudes the love of Christ! I am just so moved! I just have to say, you look sooooooooooooo gorgeous in the last pic after your hair is shaved. Oh my goodness, you do not even need hair! Your blue eyes are just so big and bright! Wow! You are beautiful!
Love,
Mon

Amanda said...

Stacy as I have been reading your blog the past few weeks I have been in awe of your strength and spirit. Each one of your posts has brought tears to my eyes; I feel so blessed to have you in my life. You truly are an inspiration. I love you with all my heart.

Love, Amanda

Elizabeth said...

I havent commented before but I have followed your journey for a while.

You are BEAUTIFUL!!!! With or without hair you are beautiful on the inside and out.

I have said many a prayer for you as you are walking this journey as I know it is a difficult one.

With Hope,

Elizabeth

Annie Mendrala said...

God in you is radiating!! I am a friend of your sister Heather here in Austin, TX. I forwarded your post today to every woman in my address book that the Lord prompted me to. The response has been an outpouring of awe at your strength (which I know is not yours but the Lord's). Your testimony is traveling across the country and lives are being changed today because of your humility and honesty. You are a beautiful woman not only by your outward beauty but the inward that you are displaying. I am interceding for you and praying for healing.

Annie Mendrala

babyrndeb said...

you are absolutely beautiful - inside and out!

Alison said...

Stacy,
Your post today definitely brought me to tears today. The underlying message of what God's teaching you and what you posted was exactly what I needed to hear today! You look beautiful Stacy!
Alison

Kari said...

Oh my gosh Stacy - this post took my breath away! Again!

Without your hair you look just like I thought you would - all I could see when I looked at you was beautiful eyes and a gorgeous smile!

With your wig on you look like a run way model!

What I see most though in those pictures, (wig or no wig) is the love relationship you and God having going on...I see your heart in those pictures - and I see your constant faith! You wear your heart and your faith so well!

Bravo warrior - you are truly AMAZING!

Love,

Kari

Anonymous said...

Ok.....so....as everyone said....simply BEAUTIFUL.....I had no doubt! But what I did notice as well, is how nicely your new hair sits on those "betties" of yours!! Hoping to catch up with you with a visit really soon!!! Love to you! Cyndy

Birdie said...

Wow, Stacy, I truly mean it that you are still SO pretty even with the very short hair! In fact, it's not even that much shorter than your friend's, and her hairstyle is super cute. :) And I couldn't even tell you were wearing a wig! It looks like your hair. You are so pretty!! And you have such a beautiful heart, Stacy. What an inspiration you are!

tab said...

I've read this post over and over and just can't stop the tears- tears that flow because you ARE beautiful, your husband is amazing, your friends so supportive, your children so thoughtful and loving- but your faith, girl, like a rock. I am honored to call you sister.

Susie said...

Stacy,
I'll say it too.. you look amazing, truly gorgeous! But, I have to admit, I didn't tear up until I saw that sign your children made for you. What a blessing they are and what tender hearts for their Mom! The Lord is using your whole family as a beacon of His light.
shine on!
Susie

Anonymous said...

Such beauty!
Stacy - I had to 'de-lurk' to tell you that truly you are breathtakingly beautiful!

Madeline said...

With a face like that, you could have a bright green mohawk and still be stunning.

Sara said...

Stacy,
What a gift to me to come home from a crazy road trip and read this... The tears are flowin down my face still after just pondering for a while all you said.

Thank you so much for sharing such a personal time. Honestly... I thought wow, she looks beautiful with short hair... God's love just pours out of you through your face and smile... I loved seeing your support team RIGHT THERE WITH YOU... how precious. The banner was beautiful and just made my heart swell with the thought of all your children will learn through this experience... And your wig is beautiful too... it looks perfect.

Stacy... praying you through this journey, so thankful you are sharing... SO THANKFUL THAT YOU ARE IN THE LORD'S AMAZING HANDS AND CARE!!! So amazing the glory you are bringing to HIM<><:)
Sara

Debbie said...

Stacy, your beauty shines through from the inside out. You are beautiful with or without hair.

I thank you for being so brave and taking photos of before and after. I love that you prayed during the time he was putting the razor to your head. Depending fully on the Lord; submitting every step of the way.

You are teaching us as you obey willingly. The lessons you learn and share can be applied to other situations. My challenges are different from yours. But those lessons help me too.

Thank you so much for being transparent.

Sending you a hug today,
Debbie

Darlene said...

I just found your blog through Jill @ Forever n Ever n Always.
the words that are going through my mind over and over as I read your blog are:

wow. she is stunningly beautiful.

Your eyes are FILLED with love. I see MUCH of Him in you, even through a computer screen.

You will be in our daily family prayers.

-Darlene