Radiation Update - 1st Vlog - 2 Timothy 4:17

Last week proved to be a busy week as I adjusted to adding radiation treatments to my daily schedule. So, sorry for the silence this last week. A lot of newness and change was added, not just for me, but my husband and children.  This is my first attempt at posting a vlog, and that too, proved to be a learning curve and a test of my patience as I learned how to upload it!! I am not a technical person, and we don't have a video camera, so I attempted using my laptop's webcam....I don't think I'll do this very often, but thought it would be a quick and more personal way to let you all know how my new treatment was going....and you get to see my new hair....probably more exciting for me than you...but thought I'd share!

Thanks so much for your ongoing prayers! God is faithful and continues to carry us each step of the way. Much love to you all!

Here we go.....:)

The Victory Celebration

There are days that you just don't want to forget. Forever etched on your heart and in your mind.

Significant.

Many of those days are not days of our choosing. They are days that chose us through the hand of a loving and faithful Father.  Approving, understanding the significance, and knowing that the purpose holds eternal weight.

Wednesday was one of those days. As my last chemo treatment was before me, I wanted to celebrate.

Celebrate the end, bringing about a new beginning.

Celebrating the journey and all that God had taught me along the way, thus far...knowing there is more ahead, but this passageway complete.

Celebrate life and hope through Jesus Christ.

Celebrate friends and the family of God for whom God used to bring me through. Many who gave more to me than they may ever know.

A couple weeks before the calendar marked my last treatment day, I sat in the chemo lounge, receiving a treatment and watched as a lady finished her course. A bell was brought to the center of the room and this lady rang that bell signifying the end. And she bid farewell to each of us sitting in the chemo chairs announcing her road to wellness was before her. There was a smile on her face and a skip in her step. It was a joyous moment. One I will always remember.

I knew my day was approaching. After 97 days of enduring the effects of chemo....August 26th to December 1st....the passageway was narrowing and the door coming to a close on day 98, December 1st..a new beginning.

And I wanted to celebrate that victory.  I didn't just survive. Through Christ, I conquered.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword.....yet in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us."  Romans 8:35,37

And that is victory....sweet victory. That these trials do not separate....they draw us closer, if we'll submit and allow them to.....closer to our Jesus as our dependence is on Him and none other. In Him I am a victor.

Now mind you, I didn't know what that celebration looked like....so I deferred to my precious husband who enlisted the help of some precious other sisters in the Lord.

And once again, I witnessed the body of Christ in action. The love of Christ poured out as a drink offering.

I drank deeply and am still full today.

Once again, my thanks are not enough. They come from a place so deep in my heart and soul and yet I feel I can never adequately repay each of you for the love you have poured out on me and my family. So many of you, God has used in my life these past 8 months. From the time I found the lump in late April until today. These precious woman who surrounded me on Wednesday, have ministered to me in ways that truly bring me to tears as I write these words. From the continual phone calls just checking in on me, to the cards received by their hands in some of my weakest moments, to the prayers that they have ushered to God's throne, often over the phone with me or in person, to the life giving words of Truth from God that they have spoken into me, to the tangible help each chemo week with my children, to the hugs, the gifts received....to the selfless love that they each have offered to me with open hands. May God return to them 10 fold. May God bless them in ways that I never could. Thank you sweet friends, for holding my hand and even raising them when I was too weak. You are tokens of God's grace and love.

And there are many more around me, who were not there that day, who, too, have walked with me. Thank you.

What a beautiful ending God gave me as I crossed that threshold over the chemo doorway once and for all. May these pictures complete this part of HIS story.

The completion bell resting upon a shelf in the chemo lounge. It was my day to ring it~

Ring the bell three times well, its toll will clearly say, "My treatments done! This course is run and now I'm on my way!"

Birdseye view of the chemo lounge. Many hours spent here. Barclay came with me to treatment this morning, but left at lunchtime (now knowing he had much up his sleeve!) and my best friend, Beth, came sitting with me to the end. 

As this was all a surprise to me, I later learned that some of my precious friends were waiting in the lobby outside the chemo lounge for their grand entrance as my chemo was completed. 

The moment of surprise as they came around the corner bearing balloons, gift baskets and their smiling faces.
I was truly overwhelmed with their love and their desire to share in this special day with me.  

Laura, my nurse that day, disconnecting me from the chemo line for the last time. 

At this point, my husband had returned with all of our children and my mother, in tow. Here is Jeddy,  our 6 year old, coming right over to hug me. Later that night, He told me, "Mommy, I am so glad your chemo is done!"

It is finished!

The man of my dreams. Having walked intimately beside me. Holding me. Enduring. Drawing closer. And here embracing me once again. We celebrate together.  

They brought the bell to the center of the room. There were about 7 people still finishing up their treatment that afternoon. I quickly shared with them the passage from Deuteronomy that God had spoken to my heart that morning. Praying that God would encourage their hearts on their journey.  "Stand strong in the Lord. Posses the victory that is in Him. He will lead you to the other side...a land flowing with milk and honey.  This is what He desires for you. He cares for you deeply. Trust in Him" 

And I rang that bell!! 

My family

With my mom.....

with my sweet, endearing, precious friends and sisters in the Lord. 

Some of the many wonderful and gifted nurses that took care of me with a tender heart and a tender touch. With a smile on their face and compassion in their eyes each week. They walked me through each treatment, each Neulasta shot, each question and concern. 

After I ran the bell, Beth handed me a baggie filled with laminated Bible verses.  My life verse was typed on pretty paper and laminated. 1 Corinthians 15:58 "My beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing your labor is not in vain in the Lord." She had made them for me to hand out. I walked through the chemo lounge and asked each person if I could give them this bookmark, that God would encourage their hearts as they continued through their journey. All but one took them. This dear lady, was holding the hand of a friend. As I came to her, she had a story to share with me. 

She told me that she is a 30 year cancer survivor. She continued to tell me a story that I will remember forever. After her treatment ended, she worried, as most cancer patients do....that her cancer would come back. Her faith was strong. But Satan was waging a war on her mind. That is his way. He is a lion who seeks daily who he can devour. (1 Peter 5:8) She wasn't going to let him win. She was speaking to her priest one day sharing this with him. This is what the priest told her that she passed on to me in that moment....."I wouldn't tell anyone to ever go to hell.....but Satan....my priest told me....you tell him to go to hell, back where he came from and leave you alone!"

The battle is won! Victory is mine says the Lord! AMEN. 

And here is my oncologist, who happened to come around the corner at the end of the celebration, Dr. Johnson.  Like a mother in many ways to me. Her sweet and gentle spirit drew me. Meekness, in a profession where you don't see that very often. Yet, a woman filled with knowledge and wisdom. God placed me in her hands. 

One final farewell....and around the corner, out the door I went. My friends went their way, and we piled in the car heading home....relishing in those beautiful moments and the people that God had blessed me with. 

Little did I know the party was to continue at home with others gathered. As we pulled into our neighborhood and drove up the hill, there lining the roadway were familiar cars.  Tears of joy flooded my eyes once again. As I walked in there they were. And I pulled them all in for one big group hug. 

I am truly blessed beyond measure to know these woman. 

We sat around the table, eating, talking and sharing. Fellowship. 

And as I shared again what God did in my heart that morning, the message He had for me that truly set the foundation for that day and my days to come....our  Pastor's wife and dear friend, Laurie, pulled out a slip of paper that she had written a note to me on, laying atop a package and read it...

."Stacy, I couldn't find "pink" but praise God 'pink - as beautiful as it is, shall be behind you.' I don't know what color stands for triumph....but whatever that color is, it is yours! I believe that whatever grain of fear that was left in you - God has used the vehicle of cancer to stomp it out. You expressed years ago that you battled fear and worry. Faith will and has triumphed! Amen!!

You see.....God confirmed through Laurie, all that He had spoken to my heart just hours before through His Word. He is faithful, always and to the end. 

And as my morning began at the throne of Jesus, so too, it ended with my sisters gathered around me, unified through Jesus Christ as He laid His life down for each of us on the cross some 2000 years ago....saying, "It is finished." He conquered death. He took our sin upon His shoulders covering our sin with His blood.  Fully God, fully man. He suffered and it was in His suffering that He knows ours, intimately. He meets us there with outstretched arms saying, Come. In Me, there is everlasting life. Believe. Have hope. Find lasting peace.

"I am the way, the Truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. " John 14:6

There is nothing greater than He!!!

I am not a survivor. I am a Victor, through Jesus Christ my Lord. 
In Christ's amazing love,
Stacy

Victory - last chemo treatment!

5:30AM

The bedside alarm sounds.

I am unfazed. In a deep slumber. Just a little longer echoes in my mind as I unconsciously lean over turning off the alarm. No snooze. Off. 

And my mind and spirit wrestle as I drift back off to sleep. 

"Come to Me." I hear. I'm waiting whispers the voice of God. 

And I so want to go but don't. Sleep ensues. 

And He waits. He doesn't have too, but He does. He stands at the door. Not being an intrusive God. Not forceful. And I'm sure, His heart is aching for me to choose Him over sleep. 

He wakes me up at 6:42 with an urgency. I'm awake. The need to be with Him overtakes my need for more sleep. 

Forgive me, Lord. I'm sorry. 

And the hand of forgiveness is extended. His grace poured out. 

I am on a mission as I slip out the bedroom door and go to my new meeting space with the Lord. 

The house is quiet and dark. Stillness abounds. 

In that stillness we meet as a divine appointment had been planned unbeknownst to me. 

Jesus had something to speak to my heart. Something I needed for today and each day going forward. 

His love is abundant and real like that. He has that for each of us if only we "Come and meet Him."

So we met as we do almost everyday. This day He poured out upon me as if a deluge of living water flooded my heart with words that dripped truth from every drop. 

As the rain outside poured heavily this morning and the wind swept the rain, so too, the Holy Spirit was doing a work in my heart, deep inside. 

You see, today, Wednesday, December 1st, was chemo #8, my last treatment. A day marked forever on the calendar. A day signifying the end and a new beginning. A day that should be filled with joy and thanksgiving. Rejoicing. 

And I was struggling.

I kept looking past today with the reality that my cancer could come back and with it, more chemo. More treatments. More pain. Was today really the end? What if it is temporary, as I wait through the next 5 years. The next 10 years. What if it comes back and I am back in this room, in this chair?  I will be forever in relationship with my oncologist. Forever tested, scanned and prodded. Forever on alert to signs in my body signifying a return. 

And I put up a wall of protection. I justified my feelings saying I was living in reality. The reality that my cancer could return. I can "Do" all the right things: eat well, take my supplements, exercise, rest, go for Vit. C treatments, get chemo, get radiation.... and yet, my cancer is in God's hands. My future, it too lies outside of my control in the hands that created me. 

And He asked me this morning, "Will you walk in victory or in defeat?" Will you walk by faith, trusting that I have something good for you no matter what? I go before you in all things. Trust Me. Or will you walk in your old ways.....fear? Fearing the future, trusting, putting my hope in "things" outside of him, fearing cancer?"

That four letter word that has been attached to my heart for too many years. I thought I was free from fear and that I had let those weights go long ago. 

But I had picked them back up. You see my greatest fear in life has always been cancer and my health. And it ultimately came down to control, gripping tightly to the tangible or letting go to the seemingly intangible. Walking by faith not by sight. 

God was asking me this morning to face that fear head on, with Him as He gently lead me by the hand through His Word. His Word is truth and there the intangible becomes alive. Real. Abundant. Tangible.

And He walked me through the fear. He named the sin for me. And isn't that what we do with sin. We justify. We try to give it a pretty name or even pretend that it isn't even there. 

But God...those two words that change it all. He says "in me there is victory and with victory there is peace and there is rest. Will you grab ahold of Me? Will you posses the victory that is yours in Christ.  He wants us to repent. To come to Him, confess, and be cleansed. 

He sent the cleansing rain this morning. 

With the house quiet, the lights low and my heart ready. We met. 

As we began our walk together through His Word. He didn't waste any time. 

I picked up my devotional reading:

"There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God." Hebrews 4:9

That rest includes victory: "The Lord gave them rest on every side.....The Lord handed all their enemies over to them" Joshua 21:44. "Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Corinthians 15:57

And you know what....I didn't realize this this morning as I read, but as I typed that last verse just now and then typed where it is found in the Bible, I stopped.

You see, my life verse is 1 Corinthians 15:58. God gave me that verse when I was pregnant with Joshua just days before I knew that he was fatally ill. It is my life verse because it stands as the platform upon which I stand with Christ.

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing your labor is not in vain in the Lord." 

My life is in Him and a work of Him. And this verse proceeds it. "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 

As I type I am in awe once again in my Father, Jesus Christ.

I can be steadfast and immovable because He is. And He gives me the victory through Him alone. 

It is the bookend to my faith. As this walk of cancer has been for me. Josh was one end and this cancer has been and will continue to be another. Two roads looking completely different on the outside, but doing a work much the same, only deeper on the inside. 

He goes before us in ALL things just as this verse goes before the other. 

Victory. 

Victory includes peace. Victory includes rest. Victory is the absence of war. Where there is peace, there is no fear. That is only found in Christ.

You see, the devotional went on to tell the story of a Christian woman, who was plagued by fear, trouble and anxiety. She had a dream. In that dream God met her. She was walking on a highway and on that highway all the people were carrying black bundles. The people were tired and they were weighted down...burdened.  These bundles were being dropped along the road by scary, creepy looking creatures. And as one bundle dropped someone quickly picked it up, carrying it along. She, too, carried her black bundles. 

After awhile, she looked up and starred into the face of man whose face shined with light, peace and love. He moved through the crowd. He came to her and asked her why she was carrying those bundles? He told Him how tired she was. They were heavy. He looked her in the eyes and told her, "Those bundles are not from Me. You have no need for them. They are the devil's burdens weighing you down. Drop them and refuse to pick them up again. Then you will find your path easy and you will feel carried on the wing's of eagles. (Ex. 19:4)

She dropped those black bundles, laid herself at the feet of Jesus and her heart was filled with peace. You see she possessed the victory. She choose to live in it. She choose Him.

And I bowed my head and prayed. I poured out my life to Christ surrendering it all to Him, again. 

I then, opened my Bible, to Daniel. And God in His perfect way lead me through His Word, laying my eyes on the exact words that my heart needed to hear. One verse, lead to another, and another until He brought me to my final resting place.

In Daniel He showed me that Daniel "Purposed in His heart that He would not sin and instead, seek holiness and purity." That is He sought God. He would not eat the food dedicated to idols. That which goes against God. 

Because of this, Daniel was victorious. You see he was going against the king's instruction and choosing God. All signs said that he would die, be cut off by going against the king and eating something different. But when God is for you, who can rise up against you?" God had gone before Daniel. He was doing a work. He honors obedience and blesses purity. 

A test ensued and guess what, God won and so Daniel won. Victory. It is the Lords. It is ours. 

And He took me to Psalm 68

My eyes soaked up each word and as they came to verse 7, "O God, when You went out before Your people, when you marched them through the wilderness, the earth shook, The heavens also dropped rain at the presence of God.....You, O God, sent a plentiful rain." 

He went before His people. He sent rain.

At this point, I couldn't get enough. God had set out the appetizer, and now I was moving onto the meal. 

I dug deeper. 

I went to Exodus 13:21 and read of the Great Exodus out to Egypt and right before the Israelites were ready to cross the Red Sea, after a long and arduous journey. Hard. Painful. Questioning. Carried. 

God reminds them....."And the LORD went before them, by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so as to go by day and night." He didn't take the pillar away.

He lead them.

He went before them.

He never left.

He's done the same for you and for me. What do I have to fear?

He prepares. He seeds. He waters. He brings forth a harvest. If only we will Come and follow.

And then He took me to the final resting place for my heart this morning. 

The place I needed to be this morning, before I walked through the chemo doors one last time. How would I walk through those doors? Rejoicing in Christ's victory? With peace and joy? or weighed down? Dragging? Fearing the future? 

He laid my eyes to rest in Deuteronomy chapter 11.

As I started at the beginning and read through, coming to verse 8....it was there....there that I began to weep tears of joy, tears of thanksgiving.....tears of deep gratitude and love to my Heavenly Father. 

He met me. Taught me. Changed me. Encouraged me. Broke me only to renew me!

"Therefore, you shall keep every commandment which I command you today, that you may be STRONG and go in and POSSESS the land which you cross over to possess, and that you may PROLONG your days in the land which the Lord swore to give your fathers, to them, and their descendants, A LAND FLOWING WITH MILK AND HONEY. For the land which you go in to posses is not like the land of Egypt from you have come, where YOU sowed YOUR seed and watered it by foot, as a vegetable garden; BUT the land which you cross over to possess is a land of hills and valleys, which drinks water from the rain of heaven, a land for which the Lord your God CARES."

Deuteronomy 11:8-12

He was speaking to the new generation of Israelites who would be ushered into the promised land through Joshua. Moses is challenging them to seek God, the true victor. Their strength. Their guide. The one and only true God. 

Here is how God spoke to my heart.....

Stacy, obey me in all things. In Me lies strength. Go and take hold of the victory that I have for you. Possess it. Take possession. I want to lead you to the other side of these treatments. The other side of your journey. I desire your days to be long as you rest in me. With victory comes rest and peace. My ways are filled with that...milk and honey......joy, peace, abundance, rest. Don't go back to fear. Your old ways. Don't walk in your own strength and wisdom. What I have for you will still have hills and valleys, but those hills and valleys are watered by me. The rain I send will bring forth a harvest of righteousness. I care for you. Trust me, today. I go before you in all things. Do not fear the future. I am with you and if I lead you back to the cancer lounge one day, if your cancer returns....I will have prepared you for that day and where I am, there you, too, shall be. Walk victorious. "There is no fear in love." 

May His words be cemented to my heart. I don't ever want to forget. 

Literally the floodgates poured open. My eyes were opened and my heart received.

I had peace.  And I walked in it, in Him, today through the last chemo treatment.

My friends, God is good. What He gave me today, He has for each of you. He shows no partiality. His love is the same. His Word is alive because He is alive. And He has an amazing plan for each of our lives. Are you walking in His victory. You can, even in the midst of your circumstances. Choose Him today. Your life will be forever changed. 

I sat in that chair this morning a victor. I pray that door never opens again for me, but I am confident of this, if it does, He has gone before me. He will make the path straight. And today, today....I walk in that confidence, no fear. And today is the only day I am asked to walk; obediently, purely, seeking Him.  He will take care of my tomorrows. Blessed be the name of the Lord!!

Chemo #8- it was a celebration on every level...I'll share more tomorrow! 

Chemo complete...the chair is now empty......

As God has laid before me doors and passageways, I prayed as I walked over that threshold, out the chemo door.....

That the door will close forever, but the work in my heart will continue......to God be the glory!


Thank you for walking through with me. I am eternally grateful. Please pray for me as I enter into the next 6 days of chemo effects, fatigue and pain. May I lean on the Lord through it all.

In Christ alone,
Stacy