Stillness - Appointment #2 - Beauty

My final pre-radiation appointment went so well yesterday....I'll get to that in a minute....

Last night a couple of inches blanketed our area. There is something so beautiful and peaceful about waking up to snow covered surroundings. Surroundings yet untouched by the hand of man. 

White, clean, pure, graceful, intricate beauty. 

The hand of God. His beauty. His perfection laid out before us for our eyes and hands to behold. 

The children quickly took to the hands part. 

Not really enough snow to snow blow....so to the shovels they went....

shoveling the driveway....

stopping for a rest....

and a photo opp........

a little bit of fun.....

some breakfast....(just kidding, we had pancakes just before)...

and one last line-up of smiles.....have I told you I love being a mother!

The kids are back in now. School underway. A quiet day lays before us....

I'm thankful for the quiet, even if but for a day.

Yesterday, God was indeed gracious and compassionate.

My same nurse greeted me in the radiation oncology waiting room with smiles, joking with me as she saw me in my wig (previously I've been in my winter hat - no wig), saying that I was trying to really confuse her this time.

We were off to a good start.  A light hearted mood took over the somewhat restlessness going on within.

The now familiar path from the lockers to the cabinet holding the gowns, to the dressing room and then waiting room quickly fell into my steps. No sooner had I turned the corner to the waiting room, and she was there bringing me back to the treatment room.

Monica met me upon entrance. She too, was joking with me about the long blond hair that had adorned my head just moments earlier and how it had changed my looks.....now removed,  the quickly growing peach fuzz told a different story. The story that I am living.  I told her it was my "I really don't have cancer" wig with a smile.

A hat and a wig tell a much different story. Some days, I just don't want to be the "cancer patient" to the world and the wig gives me that option. There is much more behind that statement, as you can imagine.

The room was warm today. The chill that had occupied the room, now gone. Their touch was gentle, as both ladies helped me up to the treatment table, assisting me as my body was positioned just right. One on either side of me. As my head laid back into the body mold, they were attentive to my comfort, asking me if I was comfortable and how they could help. They grabbed for a folded sheet that they rested my head against, in the hopes that today, there would be no pain for the duration.

I felt like a person, not just a patient. Their words were kind. Their movements more relaxed.

My arms went overhead, my body grew still and once again, the headphones filtered praise music into my soul. My eyelids fell closed and peace washed over my body.

Ever so quietly, the nurse laid some towels over my arms, as previously, I had told them how cold I had become. Again, so attentive this time to my needs.

And as their job began, the filming, and imaging, as the lights went on and off and footsteps came and went....they did their best to keep me covered, under a thin sheet bringing warmth and shelter from the eyes that peered down.

I didn't feel exposed this time, I felt covered. Covered in God's love and grace. A blanket like no other.

The time passed more quickly. Pain, once again, began to permeate my arms, and this time my neck, as my head was held to the side. Tension would creep up through my body and at once I recognized it, I released it, allowing my body to relax in spite of the discomfort.

And I prayed. Asking God to bring me through. Thanking Him. Just sitting in His presence. Praying for a few sisters and friends that were that day in the midst of their own trials.

And it was at the foot of the cross that my current situation became insignificant and all that mattered was Him.

Worship and prayer have a way of doing just that. Putting our eyes and our hearts on what really matters most, Jesus Christ.

"You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever for in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength." Isaiah 26:3,4   

It is a favorite of mine. But in those words are strength, peace and power because in those words rests my Father. His heart and the very essence of who He is. Perfect peace and power. 

The imaging session came to a close. The right side of my chest had been marked and marked some more during those two sessions. Black sharpie marks mapped my body. 

The nurses came back in and once again, their words were coated with compassion. A few quick digital pictures had to be taken of the map they had drawn on me and then a few of those marks needed to become permanent....more tattoos....I think 5 or 6 of them this time. They wanted to put one up close to my neck, but I asked it there was an alternative....as that would forever be seen in the future for eyes other than my own. They agreed. For now, I get to wear this for the next 4 weeks. The dot is a painted on mark covered by a circular clear adhesive. We'll see how my skin does through treatment. If it gets irritated, a tattoo will be needed.  

Tuesday will begin the next leg of my breast cancer journey, the next door's threshold ready to be crossed. 28 days will mark this part of the journey. Monday through Friday treatments ending February 17th, if all goes well. Please pray as God brings me to mind, that my skin will be able to withstand the daily radiation dose with minimal side effects. That my body will remain strong and that God would use the radiation to accomplish His purposes in me. Thank you. I am more grateful than words can express.

Just as the snow this morning blanketed God's creation, so too, He blanketed me yesterday. I am rejoicing in His goodness today and the beauty that surrounds me.....by His hand.

Much love,
Stacy

Door #3 - Radiation

Last week, December 8th to be exact, door #3 of treatment stood before me.

The door read: RADIATION

No sooner had chemo ended one week before, and here we were traveling quickly to the next phase of treatment.

I wasn't really ready. I just wanted to stand still for a bit and rest. Wait. Savor the moments of chemo being over and bit by bit my body returning to normal.

But the door stood there ajar. Waiting for me to cross the threshold.

9:00AM, consultation with Dr. S.

Months prior, Barclay and I had met with two different Radiation Oncologists. We heard all the statistics.  Why radiation was needed for my cancer. You see, when the mastectomy was done back in July, I had two positive lymph nodes that held cancer and In situ cancer (DCIS) was found .3mm from my chest wall. It was the chest wall issue that caused the doctor's concern and necessitated my need for radiation.

So we prayed. We sought the Lord on this matter, asking Him to show us His way. To bring all into agreement, if this is what we were to do.

We had talked to two other Radiation Oncologists, my Integrative doctor and my Medical Oncologist. All agreed.

And whereas, I really didn't want to proceed down this passageway.....I knew that is where my feet needed to travel.

But I was uneasy about my doctor. We hadn't met yet and it was so important for me to click with her. To feel comfortable in her hands. I knew she was well respected, but also knew that I didn't want to be a numbers and figures on a chart, as I had felt when meeting other doctors. I need my doctors to see me as a woman, with a family facing a disease. So far, God has given that to me, and more.

Wednesday morning came, as the dates on the calendars always do. I awoke early and spent some time in prayer and reading my Bible. I knew this morning, I needed protection...God's protection and His divine Truths to wash over me calming my restless heart. Refocusing my attention on Him and off the hours that laid ahead.

I am constantly aware that without Him I am weak and misguided. That left to myself, I am without peace and direction. Without strength. Without hope.

He is my everything. And He has the answers that I don't have. He calms the storm that begins rising within me.

"And Peter answered Him and said, 'Lord, if it is You, command me to come to you on the water.' So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, 'Lord, save me!' And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him...." Matthew 14:28-31

My eyes need to be fixed on Him....everyday. Every hour. Every minute.

And so that morning, I fixed my eyes on Him. Seeking His shelter and His peace.

He is faithful leading me in His Word to exactly what I needed to hear deep in my heart.

He lead me to Psalm 108.

And I read....

"I will praise You, O Lord, among the peoples, And I will sing your praises to You among the nations.....that Your beloved may be delivered, save with Your right hand, and hear me.....Give us (me) help from trouble, For the help of man is useless. Through God we (I) will do valiantly, For it is  He who shall tread down our (my) enemies." 

He again showed me that He is fighting this enemy....cancer. He is my help. He is my deliverer. Through Him I will do mighty things.....and He will take down this enemy. His way, in His time. All I need to do is stand strong in Him, each and every day and wait on the Lord.

I know I sound like a broken record.....but really....in God is victory and strength. He takes down strongholds and parts the sea. He takes down the giants and desires us to live abundantly in Him.

So I choose Him over everything else.

I stood confident in Him as I walked through the Radiation door.

And He showed Himself strong.

From the receptionist, to the nurse to the Radiation Oncologist......more than I could have asked for.

They were all lovely. They were gentle with me. They were kind. They made me laugh. And the conversation with Dr. S wasn't focused on statistics and percentages of recurrence. She focused on me. Where I began, where I had gone these last 8 months, and why we were seated in front of her that day. And whereas she agreed, that radiation is needed, she ended with saying...."Stacy, ultimately you can choose if this is what is best for you."

No forcing. No medical muscles flexed to intimidate.

A choice.

And isn't that what everything comes down to....choices. Will we chose Him? Will we walk in His love and His strength? Will be rest in His peace?

That morning as I chose to start with Him. Stay with Him and be lead by Him.....He held me tightly.

And so we walk through this door....Beginning in January, I will go through 28 days of radiation therapy. 5 days a week. Targeting my right side from my clavicle to just under my rib cage.

Until then, I have appointments to set up the specs for my radiation. A custom mold made of me for the radiation table. Imaging to target the radiation in the right spots. And then on we go...ready.

And so, with peace and confidence in God alone,  I walk through the next door trusting that God has gone before me.

And as I walk this cancer journey, I am learning more and more that rest is not the absence of trials and difficulty.....rest is the presence of God.

Are you resting in Him today, no matter where He has you?


Much love,
Stacy

The Victory Celebration

There are days that you just don't want to forget. Forever etched on your heart and in your mind.

Significant.

Many of those days are not days of our choosing. They are days that chose us through the hand of a loving and faithful Father.  Approving, understanding the significance, and knowing that the purpose holds eternal weight.

Wednesday was one of those days. As my last chemo treatment was before me, I wanted to celebrate.

Celebrate the end, bringing about a new beginning.

Celebrating the journey and all that God had taught me along the way, thus far...knowing there is more ahead, but this passageway complete.

Celebrate life and hope through Jesus Christ.

Celebrate friends and the family of God for whom God used to bring me through. Many who gave more to me than they may ever know.

A couple weeks before the calendar marked my last treatment day, I sat in the chemo lounge, receiving a treatment and watched as a lady finished her course. A bell was brought to the center of the room and this lady rang that bell signifying the end. And she bid farewell to each of us sitting in the chemo chairs announcing her road to wellness was before her. There was a smile on her face and a skip in her step. It was a joyous moment. One I will always remember.

I knew my day was approaching. After 97 days of enduring the effects of chemo....August 26th to December 1st....the passageway was narrowing and the door coming to a close on day 98, December 1st..a new beginning.

And I wanted to celebrate that victory.  I didn't just survive. Through Christ, I conquered.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword.....yet in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us."  Romans 8:35,37

And that is victory....sweet victory. That these trials do not separate....they draw us closer, if we'll submit and allow them to.....closer to our Jesus as our dependence is on Him and none other. In Him I am a victor.

Now mind you, I didn't know what that celebration looked like....so I deferred to my precious husband who enlisted the help of some precious other sisters in the Lord.

And once again, I witnessed the body of Christ in action. The love of Christ poured out as a drink offering.

I drank deeply and am still full today.

Once again, my thanks are not enough. They come from a place so deep in my heart and soul and yet I feel I can never adequately repay each of you for the love you have poured out on me and my family. So many of you, God has used in my life these past 8 months. From the time I found the lump in late April until today. These precious woman who surrounded me on Wednesday, have ministered to me in ways that truly bring me to tears as I write these words. From the continual phone calls just checking in on me, to the cards received by their hands in some of my weakest moments, to the prayers that they have ushered to God's throne, often over the phone with me or in person, to the life giving words of Truth from God that they have spoken into me, to the tangible help each chemo week with my children, to the hugs, the gifts received....to the selfless love that they each have offered to me with open hands. May God return to them 10 fold. May God bless them in ways that I never could. Thank you sweet friends, for holding my hand and even raising them when I was too weak. You are tokens of God's grace and love.

And there are many more around me, who were not there that day, who, too, have walked with me. Thank you.

What a beautiful ending God gave me as I crossed that threshold over the chemo doorway once and for all. May these pictures complete this part of HIS story.

The completion bell resting upon a shelf in the chemo lounge. It was my day to ring it~

Ring the bell three times well, its toll will clearly say, "My treatments done! This course is run and now I'm on my way!"

Birdseye view of the chemo lounge. Many hours spent here. Barclay came with me to treatment this morning, but left at lunchtime (now knowing he had much up his sleeve!) and my best friend, Beth, came sitting with me to the end. 

As this was all a surprise to me, I later learned that some of my precious friends were waiting in the lobby outside the chemo lounge for their grand entrance as my chemo was completed. 

The moment of surprise as they came around the corner bearing balloons, gift baskets and their smiling faces.
I was truly overwhelmed with their love and their desire to share in this special day with me.  

Laura, my nurse that day, disconnecting me from the chemo line for the last time. 

At this point, my husband had returned with all of our children and my mother, in tow. Here is Jeddy,  our 6 year old, coming right over to hug me. Later that night, He told me, "Mommy, I am so glad your chemo is done!"

It is finished!

The man of my dreams. Having walked intimately beside me. Holding me. Enduring. Drawing closer. And here embracing me once again. We celebrate together.  

They brought the bell to the center of the room. There were about 7 people still finishing up their treatment that afternoon. I quickly shared with them the passage from Deuteronomy that God had spoken to my heart that morning. Praying that God would encourage their hearts on their journey.  "Stand strong in the Lord. Posses the victory that is in Him. He will lead you to the other side...a land flowing with milk and honey.  This is what He desires for you. He cares for you deeply. Trust in Him" 

And I rang that bell!! 

My family

With my mom.....

with my sweet, endearing, precious friends and sisters in the Lord. 

Some of the many wonderful and gifted nurses that took care of me with a tender heart and a tender touch. With a smile on their face and compassion in their eyes each week. They walked me through each treatment, each Neulasta shot, each question and concern. 

After I ran the bell, Beth handed me a baggie filled with laminated Bible verses.  My life verse was typed on pretty paper and laminated. 1 Corinthians 15:58 "My beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable always abounding in the work of the Lord knowing your labor is not in vain in the Lord." She had made them for me to hand out. I walked through the chemo lounge and asked each person if I could give them this bookmark, that God would encourage their hearts as they continued through their journey. All but one took them. This dear lady, was holding the hand of a friend. As I came to her, she had a story to share with me. 

She told me that she is a 30 year cancer survivor. She continued to tell me a story that I will remember forever. After her treatment ended, she worried, as most cancer patients do....that her cancer would come back. Her faith was strong. But Satan was waging a war on her mind. That is his way. He is a lion who seeks daily who he can devour. (1 Peter 5:8) She wasn't going to let him win. She was speaking to her priest one day sharing this with him. This is what the priest told her that she passed on to me in that moment....."I wouldn't tell anyone to ever go to hell.....but Satan....my priest told me....you tell him to go to hell, back where he came from and leave you alone!"

The battle is won! Victory is mine says the Lord! AMEN. 

And here is my oncologist, who happened to come around the corner at the end of the celebration, Dr. Johnson.  Like a mother in many ways to me. Her sweet and gentle spirit drew me. Meekness, in a profession where you don't see that very often. Yet, a woman filled with knowledge and wisdom. God placed me in her hands. 

One final farewell....and around the corner, out the door I went. My friends went their way, and we piled in the car heading home....relishing in those beautiful moments and the people that God had blessed me with. 

Little did I know the party was to continue at home with others gathered. As we pulled into our neighborhood and drove up the hill, there lining the roadway were familiar cars.  Tears of joy flooded my eyes once again. As I walked in there they were. And I pulled them all in for one big group hug. 

I am truly blessed beyond measure to know these woman. 

We sat around the table, eating, talking and sharing. Fellowship. 

And as I shared again what God did in my heart that morning, the message He had for me that truly set the foundation for that day and my days to come....our  Pastor's wife and dear friend, Laurie, pulled out a slip of paper that she had written a note to me on, laying atop a package and read it...

."Stacy, I couldn't find "pink" but praise God 'pink - as beautiful as it is, shall be behind you.' I don't know what color stands for triumph....but whatever that color is, it is yours! I believe that whatever grain of fear that was left in you - God has used the vehicle of cancer to stomp it out. You expressed years ago that you battled fear and worry. Faith will and has triumphed! Amen!!

You see.....God confirmed through Laurie, all that He had spoken to my heart just hours before through His Word. He is faithful, always and to the end. 

And as my morning began at the throne of Jesus, so too, it ended with my sisters gathered around me, unified through Jesus Christ as He laid His life down for each of us on the cross some 2000 years ago....saying, "It is finished." He conquered death. He took our sin upon His shoulders covering our sin with His blood.  Fully God, fully man. He suffered and it was in His suffering that He knows ours, intimately. He meets us there with outstretched arms saying, Come. In Me, there is everlasting life. Believe. Have hope. Find lasting peace.

"I am the way, the Truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. " John 14:6

There is nothing greater than He!!!

I am not a survivor. I am a Victor, through Jesus Christ my Lord. 
In Christ's amazing love,
Stacy