Sunday, November 7, 2010

Rest

There is stillness all around me.

The house is quiet, but my heart is restless and my body is weary.

I am enjoying the quiet, not so much the restless and weary. It is Sunday morning, a day that I look forward to throughout the week. A time to go and worship my Lord and Savior sitting among the body of Christ. Opening God's Word together and allowing the voice of my Jesus to wash over me, teaching my heart while searching to the depths, uncovering the sin that lays there that it may be brought before the Lord in repentance. The newness and cleansing that comes only from Him.

There is no sweeter time.

Feeling the warm embrace of those around me asking me how I am doing. Praying for me. Loving me. Sharing our hearts together as they carry my burdens to the cross, and I theirs.

But today, there is a heaviness that seems to permeate. I don't understand it and yet it is there. And I welcome the silence. A chance to truly be still before the Lord and reflect.

And here I sit at my desk. The sunlight streams through the front windows. My shoulders wrapped in one of the many prayer shawls that have been sent to me, some by those whom I've never met face to face. And I feel the warm embrace of the body of Christ....of Christ Himself. I need to feel His closeness today.

The pains that accompany Taxol are running through my body hitting all my lower extremities. It is like an ache that has settled deep into my bones and muscles. Nothing seems to really take it away. Advil doesn't touch it and so yesterday, I resorted to Percocet, per my oncologist's instruction. Instead of relief, I was in a fog. Hence the restlessness.

I am thankful that the Percocet got me through Seth's football play-off game yesterday morning (and they won...so onto round 2 of Regionals!) My boy scored a touchdown and they went on to win 30 to 0. A proud moment for us all. But as the day progressed, the pain settled deeper. Once again, I retreated to my bed where I spend many a day after chemo. It seems sleep continues to call my name. Each time I awake, I think I will be refreshed, as that is what sleep is suppose to do, but my eyes seem to fall closed again and I drift off.

This morning, I just couldn't get myself together to get out the door to church. The pain in my legs still prevails and my eyes are heavy, my body worn out. Barclay's parents came to town to help this week, which has been such a blessing. Barclay left early as he had church responsibilities this morning, and Jim (Barclay's dad) helped get the kids fed and out the door to church.

Hence the quiet house.

And back to the weary....the longsuffering of this journey. Six months into this cancer journey and the realization that this will be with me the rest of my life. There isn't an earthly finish line to cross. Oh, there are the finish lines of chemo, radiation and surgery.....but I will always have cancer connected to my name.

I was reminded of that on Friday.

Sitting before my plastic surgeon. Thinking that this was one final check on the Betties and then he'd lay out the "plan" of my reconstruction for the months to come. And instead, the talk changed to two moles on my body that he wants removed after chemo. I felt sideswiped by the conversation. The reminder that once again in my little, finite mind, I can't for one moment think I have this cancer thing figured out. Again, my faith was tested.

"Lord, I trust you today as I did yesterday. I will not let Satan grab ahold of my fears."

But the whispers keep coming into my heart. And I keep going to God's Word for Truth this weekend. But my mind was in a fog from the Percocet. I couldn't think clearly.

My doctor assured me, it was nothing to worry about. A quick in and out procedure. A preventative measure for the future.

And the gentle, but real reminder that once cancer enters your pathway, your body will always be scrutinized by the doctors. What before was "nothing to worry about" becomes a possibility that cancer is showing up elsewhere. That no symptoms can be ignored. This is my new reality.

And to be totally honest, I don't like it. I wish it were different. And I feel alone.

So in the stillness that God has given me in these moments, Percocet put aside for today, as I need to hear clearly from God.....I will sit with Him and allow Him to speak to my tired, restless and weary heart His love and promises.

Because when the waves tend to overcome and beat down hard, the only place I can run is to the arms of my God who with a nod of His head, a soft word spoken or an outstretched hand can bring the waves to a standstill replacing the tumult with peace and calm.

"Be still and KNOW that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; then you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16

I am seeking His rest today.

Much love in Christ,
Stacy

14 comments:

Mom to 9 Blessings! said...

Stacy,

I'm so sorry for the road you have been called to walk and will journey still.

Our prayers are with you daily and you are NEVER alone!

I love you and am here if you need me!

Hugs,
Jill

babyrndeb said...

I am praying that you get rest today...and just remember that you are not alone. Not left alone by God and not by your friends and family.
Cancer is such an ugly disease and the treatment / cure is just about as bad. I remember friends of mine talking about the leg pain and just how deep that goes. And here she is years later...still working in a busy unit where she has to run around alot.
I am praying that one day you will be on the other side of this treatment hill...looking back and maybe helping others as they go through the battle.
You are have such a sweet, humble heart and I know God is going to use you in ways you've probably never imagined.

Yeah for your son's team!! I'm glad you were able to be there...even in a fog...the kids appreciate that you are there.

And on another note ~ I've read your sister's blog. She lives further north - maybe 8 hours away from me or - more up by San Francisco and I am south of LA (like by Disneyland...if that helps you to place things). California is such a large, diverse state :)
We just went up to Fresno this weekend - took us 4 1/2 hours....but it was worth it to see my daughter's team win the state meet :) The coolest thing is to see those student athletes pray as a team and thank the God they serve...they know it isn't on their own power that they run so well. Just a blessed team to be on. Biola is such a great school - who knows, maybe one of your children will end up there...but they don't have a football team. In fact, neither of the colleges that my girls attend have football teams..great schools, different focuses.

Hang in there. Know that I pray for you daily.
Debbie

Debbie said...

Oh Stacy how my heart aches for you and how I wish there was more that I could do...You are soo definitely not alone. You are not only in the hands of our Lord, but there are soo many standing beside you, holding you up praying when you are too weary to pray anymore. I'm glad you were able to get to your son's game, and YAY that they continue on. As a fellow breast cancer gal I do know that feeling first hand of suddenly the docs don't dismiss anything, no matter how small the concern. But no matter what... NOTHING happens to us outside of His perfect will, and our trust must remain in Him. I don't like feeling like every little thing is a big deal either, but I am believing as more time goes by that maybe will not be the case as much. Meanwhile, you are almost there...almost done...almost to the other side of Chemo and you can move on with the rest of your life stronger in Him than you would have ever been otherwise I am sure. Hang in there...I will continue to pray constantly. HUGS to you, Debbie

JillAileenJones said...

I am so sorry-sorry that your heart is heavy today and that Satan is trying to hard to make you feel defeated today. Sorry that you are having to even walk this journey-my heart just ache for you as I read this post.
Though we have never met-I wished I could be there to do something for you-even just to hug you or cry with you or pray with you-something to make you feel like you are not alone.
You are on my pray list and I will go daily to the throne of our Heavenly Father to ask for His strength, grace and mercy for you.
I am praying for this to go quickly and that one day you will be able to see all that our God has brought you through.
Thank you for being so real and sharing your heart.
Love in Him
Jill

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

I am so sorry! I am praying for you right now and will continue to pray...I wish I could do something physical for you to lift the burden.

Matt. 11:28
Praying that He will carry you through this in His loving arms.
so, so sorry!

The Montgomerys said...

Oh Stacy, my heart just broke reading this. I am so sorry about the pain and discomfort you are experiencing. I am praying for you friend. Not a day goes by that I don't think and pray for you. You are on my heart! I am sending you my love and prayers!!!!!!! <3

bobswifedeb said...

Stacy, my heart feels your sadness as I read your blog today. Satan loves to play with our bodies and minds. But sweetie, remember, God is in control!!! Your journey has humbled me and your blog has stopped me in my tracks so many times and I view your blog as a vehicle God used to knock on my cob webbed door. God is oh so good. I know the cancer hurts and the pain is sometime unbearable. But it is only for a season. You will stand strong and tall again and continue to be a mom, wife and angel to so many. God bless you sweet Stacy and know I love you and am praying for you constantly.
love Debbie Wewer

Sara said...

Stacy,
Praying so much for the Lord to shower you with His grace and love today... wrap you up in it... just like your prayer shawls:) I am so sorry you are feeling all the pain and chemo effects this weekend. I am praying for them to lighten. And yet with that lightening comes that reality of how your life has forever changed. I get that in regard to who I am now after losing Samuel, but certainly don't relate to the cancer part... but can only imagine. It is hard not to really like or enjoy the New you... but at the same time, I know that God will bring such beauty from these ashes... I am praying in earnest for that.

Praying for you today, infact right now:)!
Sara

Trisha said...

Praying for physical strength for you, Stacy, and a heart encouraged by His Word. Praying the restlessness will cease, and you'll find much comfort in the security of HIs loving arms.

A multi-dimensional life said...

Dear Stacy, I'm praying that the stillness of this day provided much needed rest. You deserve the rest, although I wish it was for an entirely different reason! You are so honest with your feelings and I know God loves that! You are real. You feel; you hurt; you live with moments of fear of the unknown; but you are not overcome and you are NOT alone! I am sorry that you felt this way today.
I am lifting you before the Lord for His strength to carry you when you are weary and I'm so glad that you know "where" to turn. Holy spirit, comfort Stacy! I won't stop praying for you! With much love, Lorraine

Jenny said...

I am praying for you today! I can't imagine what you are going through. You are such a testimony of the Lord's grace. His light is shining brightly through you!

Praying that today is a GOOD day!!!

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

My new friend, I've wanted to call you a thousand times and tell you how horrible I'm feeling and then I read here and realize that you're in the same boat. What you're writing here is everything I've been saying to my husband in the last few days. Fear has settled in at times, and the I can't imagine having to live with this reality for the rest of my life. That being said, I am thankful for my life today, but I'm afraid I'm ending it on the downswing.

Sick and full of drugs and already achey (sp?); I can't imagine when the Taxol sets in. Further still, I can't imagine what it will feel like to feel good again. Others tell me it will happen, but I don't really believe them right now.

I have prayer shawls as well, and as I head to bed tonight, I'll think of you when I put it around my shoulders.

Sleep well, friend.

~elaine

He & Me + 3 said...

Praying for you my friend & thinking of you often. I know the worries and fear that come with having cancer attached to you. Running into the Father's arms is a great place to be. A shelter from the storm.
Praying you find strength for your journey & complete healing.
Hugs,
Mimi

Cheryl Jones said...

Stacy,
I have been right where you are 3 years ago. Heading into Thanksgiving and Christmas and so sick from chemo. I can remember barely able to stand from being so weak at my side window late one night looking at the freshly fallen snow and tears streaming down my face, and thinking to myself if I would see another winter. I am here stronger than ever and after chemo went through 2 months of radiation every day. I can tell you that you WILL feel so good by spring and when the little buds start to come out on the trees, you will blossom into a new season and new fresh beginnings in the Lord! May the scripture Isiah 40:31 be yours...But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. I am faithfully praying for you.
May you sleep in peace tonight.
Cheryl- Ohio
cherlilly12@yahoo.com