Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Today is the Day

I wish I could start out this post and tell you that I am strong today.

I'm not.

The chemo door stands before me and tomorrow morning at 9:15, Adriamycin and Cytoxan will be put through my veins in the hopes of killing any lingering cancer cells and decreasing my chance of reoccurrence.

I sat before my oncologist this afternoon as she went through the litany of side-effects, procedures, and what I can expect. As she handed me my prescriptions, telling me what I was to take on each day following my treatment...anti-nausea meds and pain relievers. She walked me into the infusion room. A sunny room filled with windows. But there was a blanket of disease that lay over the room. Faces were tired and worn. The light with darkness all around. And I was numb. Tomorrow, I would be sitting in one of those chairs and the effects would begin to run rampant in my body. There is no turning back and I know God doesn't want me to.

I haven't had words this week, hence my silence. I'm fragile today...it is one of those days where the clouds have descended and my head was cast down. I've had to choose moment by moment to fix my eyes upon Jesus throughout the day.

And a tug of war has been ensuing all week between my mind and my heart. Between trusting in the Lord by faith and then trying to understand what the next day will look like, the next week and the next 4 months. Between walking this journey not with what I know in my head to be true, but with what I know about my God in my heart to be true. And satan has been at every turn whispering to me that this cancer is going to take my life. I have felt like I'm walking on a tightrope and the balancing rod keeps swaying down. But with each tip of the rod, Jesus has faithfully been there, reminding me of His love and His Truth.

He had a message for me this week.

Yesterday, God used my older sister to speak this message to my heart. God spoke that message to me again this morning, as I was driving to my Vitamin C infusion at 7:30, and worshipping Him. And then again as I sat down in the infusion chair and looked at my email, another friend encouraged my heart through the Holy Spirit with the same message. As if that wasn't enough....during my infusion, I was preparing the overview for Ephesians this fall and studying Paul, who wrote Ephesians while sitting shackled in chains in a Roman prison. There He worshipped the Lord. The message for me was the same......."Stacy.....today is the day."

Not tomorrow. Not in 4 months when the chemo is done. Not in this time next year when your body may appear whole again. Today. Live for me today. Stay focused on today for I have much for you. Be filled with my Joy, today.

Today, is the day to rejoice. Today is the day I want to carry you. Today I desire to bless you. Today, I want to make myself known through you. Today, I want to fill you with joy and peace that doesn't come from the doctors....only from Christ. There is much you will miss if you keep looking to the end of the road.

I don't want to miss a thing. I don't want a moment of this cancer wasted in worrying, in doubting, in fear. I want to live for Christ today and be rooted in Him alone. I want Him to use me as He sees fit. I want to be filled with His joy, as the chemo goes in, as I lose my hair, as I endure radiation and follow-up surgeries. Oh, how my heart cries for this.

But the battle has been raging within me today. As I have gone from Dr. Bazzan this morning, to my oncologist this afternoon, to my plastic surgeon.....I have ridden with my worship music turned up and my head raised to my Lord and Savior knowing that my help comes from Him alone. I have praised Him with my heart and my voice for who He is and all that He has done for me. And as the tears have welled up in my eyes throughout the day, sometimes spilling over, I have given them to Him. I have given Him my fears of tomorrow, my hopes and my dreams, my life....

And when my eyes are fixed upon Him, I have peace and I have His joy. Please pray that my eyes stay there. Please pray that I would look upon Christ, my creator and not upon the circumstance or the facts. Please pray that I would be strengthened each day by His hand alone.

Here is the song that God used this morning to minister to my heart His message. (You'll need to hit the pause button on the music at the bottom of the page.)


"This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24

Much love,
Stacy

16 comments:

Mom to 9 Blessings! said...

Dear Stacy,

God has kept you ever so close to my heart today. I can only imagine how hard this day has been and yet, I know He will be faithful to carry you through this journey. His grace is enough. He will not let up or let go. He will never tire! He will see you through every appointment! His unfailing love will bind up your fears and cast them away as far as you can imagine!


I found out some information to share with you. I'll email tomorrow and be praying for you as you walk even closer to Him tomorrow.

My heart is with you!

Trusting God to do all things for you!

Hugs and praising God with you today!
Jill

Debbie said...

Stacy,

I am glad I came by tonight to see how you were as I remembered you were to begin your treatment tomorrow. I know how hard all of this has got to be, and yet your faith in a mighty and loving God is inspiring. He WILL walk with you every step of the way, and we will all lift you in prayer everyday, every moment that He brings you to our minds. I can already see how He will use you for His glory through all of this. I will pray for a peace of mind that can only come from Him, and for His healing touch to be upon you. I will pray to bind the power of the enemy from attacking you in any way in the mighty name of Jesus. Much love to you, Debbie

He & Me + 3 said...

I am praying along side you on this journey...praying for your strength in Him and that you will have peace every step of the way.
You are precious my friend!

regan said...

With tears falling and yet with such a heart of praise for the God we worship together - in blessing and in loss! I love you so much and wish I could be there to comfort you and worship alongside you. What I can't do in person, I will carry through the day to our Father in prayer - knowing that He will meet every need and every emotion.
Good Night or Good Morning Sweet Sister of Mine! This is the day that the Lord has made and we will rejoice and be glad in it......

tab said...

Sweet sister of mine- I am on my knees for you. Praising God for your strength and begging that your eyes stay fixed.

babyrndeb said...

((hugs)) I have no other words for you - just care...

I often tell my patients about 'today' - as they worry about the delivery, worry about the baby and how long it will survive, look like, etc....that all they really have is today. Today to celebrate being alive. It is often a hard truth to grasp - but really the only truth.

Again - I will be praying for you tomorrow.

Debbie said...

Stacy, I love that you are praising Him in the midst of the storm. You don't want to miss anything and that is amazing and can only happen when you trust the Lord. I know that He will use you to bless others. Maybe it will be a nurse or another patient or simply people who see you as you navigate this journey. You are not alone. Jesus is there with you each step of the way.

Blessings,
Debbie

Bill said...

I love you my darling, you are strong and have a great family and great friends behind you. You can do it.
Love Dad

Emily said...

Stacy- I have been praying all week, especially last night and this morning. I am waiting with great anticipation to hear what the next several weeks will bring because I have faith our Father is going to give you many glimpses of His glory! Stay strong, stay focused- eyes on the cross!

Aunt Tricia said...

Stacy, This is Aunt Tricia, you and your family are in my prayers. God will strengthen you and keep you, and your days will not be shortened. God will receive the glory as you go through this trial. For His love and power covers those who call upon His Name. :)

The Montgomerys said...

I am praying for you Stacy! For Peace and Strength! You will be on my heart all day! Love to you! <3

stephannee said...

I read the comment your earthly dad left you...and it was as if I could hear our heavenly dad whispering the same words.

Praying for you... *HUGS* Steph

Susie said...

Stacy,

Praying for you today- Thursday. God is so faithful... He is shining through you so much! Jehoshaphat prayed: I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You, Lord. Just like everyone else, this is my prayer for you.
In Christ Alone,
Susie

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

I am shouting for you and with you Praise!!!!

I am so glad God met you and you are hearing His voice!!!

I am praying for you and singing praise to God for your life and for your family!!! You are in my prayers!!!
Blessings............

Becky said...

Great is Thy faithfulness,
O God my Father.......
Morning by morning new mercies I see.

Morning by morning. You don't have to worry about saving some for tomorrow. New mercies each and every day. Today IS the day - the day of new mercies.

Deb said...

Sending you peace and love today! I'm sharing one of my favorite verses of all time...especially when I'm facing the unknown...may it bring you comfort and realization of HIS love for you...

Deuteronomy 31:8 (New International Version)

8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."