Stillness - Appointment #2 - Beauty

My final pre-radiation appointment went so well yesterday....I'll get to that in a minute....

Last night a couple of inches blanketed our area. There is something so beautiful and peaceful about waking up to snow covered surroundings. Surroundings yet untouched by the hand of man. 

White, clean, pure, graceful, intricate beauty. 

The hand of God. His beauty. His perfection laid out before us for our eyes and hands to behold. 

The children quickly took to the hands part. 

Not really enough snow to snow blow....so to the shovels they went....

shoveling the driveway....

stopping for a rest....

and a photo opp........

a little bit of fun.....

some breakfast....(just kidding, we had pancakes just before)...

and one last line-up of smiles.....have I told you I love being a mother!

The kids are back in now. School underway. A quiet day lays before us....

I'm thankful for the quiet, even if but for a day.

Yesterday, God was indeed gracious and compassionate.

My same nurse greeted me in the radiation oncology waiting room with smiles, joking with me as she saw me in my wig (previously I've been in my winter hat - no wig), saying that I was trying to really confuse her this time.

We were off to a good start.  A light hearted mood took over the somewhat restlessness going on within.

The now familiar path from the lockers to the cabinet holding the gowns, to the dressing room and then waiting room quickly fell into my steps. No sooner had I turned the corner to the waiting room, and she was there bringing me back to the treatment room.

Monica met me upon entrance. She too, was joking with me about the long blond hair that had adorned my head just moments earlier and how it had changed my looks.....now removed,  the quickly growing peach fuzz told a different story. The story that I am living.  I told her it was my "I really don't have cancer" wig with a smile.

A hat and a wig tell a much different story. Some days, I just don't want to be the "cancer patient" to the world and the wig gives me that option. There is much more behind that statement, as you can imagine.

The room was warm today. The chill that had occupied the room, now gone. Their touch was gentle, as both ladies helped me up to the treatment table, assisting me as my body was positioned just right. One on either side of me. As my head laid back into the body mold, they were attentive to my comfort, asking me if I was comfortable and how they could help. They grabbed for a folded sheet that they rested my head against, in the hopes that today, there would be no pain for the duration.

I felt like a person, not just a patient. Their words were kind. Their movements more relaxed.

My arms went overhead, my body grew still and once again, the headphones filtered praise music into my soul. My eyelids fell closed and peace washed over my body.

Ever so quietly, the nurse laid some towels over my arms, as previously, I had told them how cold I had become. Again, so attentive this time to my needs.

And as their job began, the filming, and imaging, as the lights went on and off and footsteps came and went....they did their best to keep me covered, under a thin sheet bringing warmth and shelter from the eyes that peered down.

I didn't feel exposed this time, I felt covered. Covered in God's love and grace. A blanket like no other.

The time passed more quickly. Pain, once again, began to permeate my arms, and this time my neck, as my head was held to the side. Tension would creep up through my body and at once I recognized it, I released it, allowing my body to relax in spite of the discomfort.

And I prayed. Asking God to bring me through. Thanking Him. Just sitting in His presence. Praying for a few sisters and friends that were that day in the midst of their own trials.

And it was at the foot of the cross that my current situation became insignificant and all that mattered was Him.

Worship and prayer have a way of doing just that. Putting our eyes and our hearts on what really matters most, Jesus Christ.

"You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever for in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength." Isaiah 26:3,4   

It is a favorite of mine. But in those words are strength, peace and power because in those words rests my Father. His heart and the very essence of who He is. Perfect peace and power. 

The imaging session came to a close. The right side of my chest had been marked and marked some more during those two sessions. Black sharpie marks mapped my body. 

The nurses came back in and once again, their words were coated with compassion. A few quick digital pictures had to be taken of the map they had drawn on me and then a few of those marks needed to become permanent....more tattoos....I think 5 or 6 of them this time. They wanted to put one up close to my neck, but I asked it there was an alternative....as that would forever be seen in the future for eyes other than my own. They agreed. For now, I get to wear this for the next 4 weeks. The dot is a painted on mark covered by a circular clear adhesive. We'll see how my skin does through treatment. If it gets irritated, a tattoo will be needed.  

Tuesday will begin the next leg of my breast cancer journey, the next door's threshold ready to be crossed. 28 days will mark this part of the journey. Monday through Friday treatments ending February 17th, if all goes well. Please pray as God brings me to mind, that my skin will be able to withstand the daily radiation dose with minimal side effects. That my body will remain strong and that God would use the radiation to accomplish His purposes in me. Thank you. I am more grateful than words can express.

Just as the snow this morning blanketed God's creation, so too, He blanketed me yesterday. I am rejoicing in His goodness today and the beauty that surrounds me.....by His hand.

Much love,
Stacy

Still

The appointments begin again.

Just as the calendar flips over to January and routine begins again....school, work, piano lessons, basketball practice....so too, do my cancer appointments creep back into my daily calendar activities.

Today, I was off to the 2nd radiation imaging appointment. The second appointment that maps out my body so to pinpoint the radiation to the exact spots.

The day didn't get off to a great start. I thought the appointment was at 10:30. Off I went traveling the 30 minutes to the hospital radiation oncology department. The appointment time had been changed in December, after there was a  hiccup in my first appointment. As I waited in the waiting room for my name to be called, my nurse emerged questioning why I was there......her book said I was suppose to be there at 2:00.

Oops.  Not sure what happened. But back I went retracing the steps that lead me there only minutes before, only to retrace them once again in the afternoon.

Back home to teach Jed math and reading. Answer Science questions and photocopy Latin grammar forms so drill work could be completed. Worked through questions on couplet poetry with Luke. Corrected a writing paper. Made some lunch. Answered some emails. Talked with my oncologist's billing department to work through some bookkeeping errors....which worked in our favor...thank you Lord!

A day in the life of me.

1:30 and off I went again to the radiation office.

How quickly the patient hat comes back on and there I was laying yet again on the imaging table. This time in the treatment room. A room much colder than the cat scan room. My body lay upon the mold, holding my head to the side and my arms crossed and laid overhead, headphones nestled in my ears ready to whisk me to the throne of my Jesus, as the nurses and technicians milled around, adjusting the equipment, positioning and marking my body, instructing me not to move.

And in the stillness, eyes closed, they worked and I worshipped Jesus as the lyrics permeated my heart, bringing peace to my Spirit and a posture of praise and thanksgiving within....reminding me once again of God's sovereignty and love.

The lights went on and off as they worked, coming and going from the treatment room, behind closed doors, only to quickly sweep back in making adjustments to the machine that hung staring at me from the side. More positioning, more pointing, more whispers about what needed to be done.

My eyes would open to take in what was happening, only to quickly close and be transported back to the feet of Jesus. The surrounding were too much for me. I felt like an experiment that laid upon a table as 8 eyes peered over me, exposed once again. Nothing sacred or off limits.

It was cold and sterile, while the music filtering my years brought warmth and comfort. I needed to stay in that place.

My head began hurting as the mold wasn't holding me quite right. The hard cast was hitting the back of my skull. An ache set in. My arms had gone from tingling numbness to pain as they stayed clasp overhead.

I laid stationary knowing that movement would only hinder the progress.

Many songs into the imaging and I couldn't take it anymore. I quietly asked if I could just lift my head for a minute to alleviate the pressure.

They agreed, but said we would have to start over, from the beginning.

Relief, but for a few moments. Songs continued counting the minutes that ticked by.

And then she came back in, standing alongside the treatment table, next to the machine hanging from the ceiling. I asked if she would take the headphone out of my ear for a minute.....and then asked if we were almost done.

She began talking, then stopped to introduce herself, realizing that all along she had been working without even an introduction. I was just another patient in a time slot whose body came upon her screen. She said that we had some technical issues and for today, the process was complete, but I would need to return later in the week and redo all that had been done today.

Disbelief? Really.....we have to do it again? Today was for nothing. All the back and forth, an hour and a half on the treatment table and on Thursday afternoon I have to come back to lay through it once again?

I saw compassion fill her eyes as her demeanor softened and she helped me down from the table. She assisted me as I dressed and walked me out of the room.

We'll meet again in two days. I'm not looking forward to it.

It isn't a place I enjoy being. So much different than the chemo lounge. A more isolated atmosphere. A more lonely leg of the journey.

And maybe that is where God needs me right now. Alone. Hearing from Him in the stillness. Being quiet, so as to hear His whispers gently bring me along. Teaching this restless heart.

Going deeper, still. Building upon the foundation. The seed of His Word being richly and deeply planted within.....may the soil of my heart receive what he has for me in this season of tilling and sowing.

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the work of Your hands." Psalm 138:8

"....and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son in all the way that you went until you came to this place."  Deuteronomy 1:31

I will not grow weary or despair.....I will press on, I will press in, I will look up.  I will let Him carry me to the place I need to be....trusting Him along the way, knowing He is always with me. I will be still.

Much love,
Stacy

Power Displayed

The roads and countryside of Galilee were marked heavily by the footsteps of Jesus. He walked. He taught. He healed. He prayed. He slept only to awake and do it all again.

He travelled extensively.  With one purpose....to draw us....to glorify His Father, and display God's power.

The power that rested upon Him.

A display more brilliant than the most beautiful sunset. More magical than the most spectacular fireworks.

No where to lay His head....from His lowly entrance into this world, in a manager, to His earthly ministry...no earthly home to call His own.

His home was found as He rested in the love of His Father.

The love that would proclaim a kingdom yet to come. A life lived with hope, with healing, showered in grace and abundant in mercy. A looking forward, not looking behind.

With expectancy.  With urgency.  With purpose.

And as He travelled He demonstrated this power for all to see. Often in healing the sick and making them well. The blind. The lame. The dead. The demon-possessed. The mute. The deaf. The sick.

A display. 



The multitudes traveled with Him. Watching. Waiting. Leaning in to learn more. Seeing a glimpse of the power beholden to this man Jesus...the Son of God.

They were challenged. They were encouraged. They were convicted.  Their hearts softened. And for some, their faith grew.

There was something different about this man. Something their minds could not grasp hold of.

And the sick knew that if only they could come close to Him, if only He would touch them, they would be made well.

Healed.

Two blind men followed Jesus.

Without physical eyesight, but knowing the voice of Jesus.

Following as He performed miracle after miracle.

Finally, calling out to Him, "Son of David, have mercy on us!" (Matt. 9:27)

And Jesus, knowing the secrets of their hearts. Knowing the healing that they desired. That they needed, asked them a poignant question....

"Do you believe that I am able to do this?"  (Matt. 9:28)

It is a question that God has been asking of me from the moment I read these few short verses this summer.

In this journey through breast cancer,  along the road, in my moments of weakness and frailty, in uncertainty, in weariness.......as my heart has cried out to Him as these blind men did....God has been answering me...and growing my faith with this same question.

"Do you believe, Stacy, in who I am? That I am able to heal you? That I, ALONE, can do that which no one else can?"

It is a two part question.

Do you believe?

Is your faith so grounded in Me, Jesus, that you know with absolute confidence of my love for you. Of my grace. Of my forgiveness. Of my power.

Will you waiver in your faith based on your circumstances or will you trust Me and the power that I possess, that I desire to display in and through you as you journey?

And two......."Do you believe that I am able?"

Do you know that I can move the mountains and calm the sea? That I can make the lame walk and the blind see? That I can heal the diseased marriage and make well the diseased body? That I can put food in your pantry and bring forth money to pay the bills?

Do you believe that I am able to do all this and more? Is your faith in me that strong?

He desires our response to be, as it was with these two blind men...."Yes, Lord."  (Matt. 9:28)

No hesitation. A posture of trust in the almighty God, above all else.

Is that my posture today?

This last week was one marked again with uncertainty for us.

The plan played out in the physical was not the plan that was formulated in my mind.

We were able to get away for a couple of days to the Pocono Mts. here in Pennsylvania. My husband's brother and his wife had a timeshare they had reserved for the week. They invited us all to join them at the beginning of the week, with plans to ski on Tuesday.

For Christmas, my in-laws so generously and graciously helped lease all of our children's ski equipment for the season. A sport that we have just recently ventured back into as a family, was going to be a reality for us again this year.

On Tuesday, we spent the day at a local ski resort. Strength has been returning to my body and I was able to enjoy the day with the family. It was glorious, until around 4:30.

My oldest two sons, Ben and Seth, were snowboarding at the terrain park on the mountain. We received a call around 4:30, that Ben had fallen while on a snowboarding rail. He was loaded in an ambulance and needed to be taken to the local hospital.

What was certain, became uncertain.

Snowmobile came and brought me to the ambulance. Seth was there, having witnessed the whole event. Barclay had to stay back with the smaller children, load them all up and hand them off to my brother in law, then making his way to the hospital.

The ambulance pulled away and I became numb. Ben wasn't himself. He was strapped to a board, laying in the back of the ambulance. Oxygen to his nose. Unable to remember what happened or any details from the last 30 days. The extent of the brain injury unknown in those moments.

We spent the next 5 hours in the ER with Ben asking questions, answers given, and then 30 seconds later, the question asked again as the answers weren't remembered. Ben scared, not remembering facts that he should have know. Not knowing his age. Not knowing we just celebrated Christmas. Not knowing what he received.



The shock from the last 5 hours settled in. And around 10:30PM, after Ben was transferred to Pediatrics, my husband staying behind to stay with Ben, I got in the car alone, traveling back to the house where we were staying.

And I cried out to the Lord on behalf of my son. I cried out for physical healing. For his memory to be restored. I cried out in fear, not knowing what laid ahead. I asked for His power to be made known.

And God whispered to me the same question he has for months, "Stacy, do you believe I am able to do this? Do you trust Me? Do you believe that I am able to heal your son?" Do you trust me and the plans that I have for you and your family?"

And I responded, "Yes, Lord." No matter what you have, I trust you and know that you will walk us through. Please be gracious and merciful."

I slept fitfully Tuesday night, waking up continually. Praying. Falling back to sleep. Waiting for answers to come. My faith on the edge of belief and unbelief.

Ending 2010 with yet another hospital, another unknown. Another test of my faith. A strengthening. I was tired and weary and God knew, but still took me deeper.

Wednesday, Ben awoke, restored. He still doesn't remember the accident, but the rest of His memory
has returned.

As I continue to meditate on those few verses in Matthew and the question that Jesus asked of those blind men, and has been asking of me this year......I see how weak my faith can be. That I often desire an outward manifestation of the power of God.

I want healing. I wanted it for my son. And I desire it for me.

I know He is able. I believe in His character. But I want the tangible. I want to define the terms.

God doesn't work that way. Sometimes the tangible is not what will make us stronger. We are too quick to give the power to something or someone else. To give the glory to another.

As Jesus walked the streets of Galilee, He often displayed His power through healing.

But even in physical healing, He was after more. He was after the heart of each person He healed.

He desired to bring healing to the inner places. He is more concerned with the inside than the outside.

“to show that the Son of Man has power on earth of forgive sins.” (Matt. 9:6)

“Which is easier to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Arise and walk?”

When Jesus healed the paralytic.....He not only said ‘Your sins are forgiven, but in His grace and love, He said, ‘Arise and Walk.”

That is the God we serve.

He desires to increase our faith. And He will do so at all costs, because our faith to Him, is more precious than gold. (1 Peter 1:7) Sometimes He grows it by displaying His power through the physical, but sometimes, it goes much deeper to the deep places of our hearts.

We are often more concerned with the outside than the inside. We are the ones who have it backward.

After Jesus was resurrected from the dead, Thomas doubted that He was alive. Thomas proclaimed that until he put his hands in Jesus side and saw his nail pierced hands, he wouldn’t believe. He needed to see it for himself.

Jesus knows our weaknesses. He knows when we waiver. He stood before Thomas displaying His scars. Thomas believed.

But Jesus went on to say, “blessed are those who believe without seeing.”

As 2010 closed out, I reflected on how Jesus met me in my weaknesses this past year. How in my weakness, He was strong. He was powerful. That as I believed in HIM, that power was made manifest in my weakness.

It is that power that we are held by.

Sometimes that power is declared through physical healing. The grand display. The fireworks. The miracle.

Other times, His power is displayed in the confines of our hearts and lived out in the midst of our physical disease: a diseased marriage, a diseased bank account, a diseased body.

That in the midst of these circumstances, physical healing isn’t brought forth, but instead a life built on Jesus Christ, displaying His glory, displaying His power. Displaying His love.....in spite of the physical.

That is healing. That is power.

In 2011, may we expect God to work without a whirlwind or a grand display announcing His power.

May we expect God to work because we know He is more than able - because we know HIM!

And as He opened the eyes of those two blind men.....may He open our eyes, as well.


Much love to you today and into 2011,
Stacy