Monday, February 21, 2011

Word of God Speak - Part 2

(sorry this is a long one...so much to share on the morning of my last radiation treatment....)


Friday was ushered in with a quiet anticipation. It would be day 27 of my 28 days of treatment. But even more exciting....a close friend was having a c-section that morning welcoming their 10th child into this world. My heart awoke that morning with her before me, as throughout the morning, I brought her before God's throne. This was her first c-section. A lot of uncertainty for her. A new experience. But a solid faith and trust in God Almighty.

For me, a sign of new life from the hand of God. New breath. New joy. New sounds. A springing forth.

Child number 10 for them....month number 10 for me. The end and a beginning.

I waited anxiously by the phone to hear the news, checking my computer a few times to see if their children had emailed. By 10:30 I couldn't wait any longer and called to hear that a sweet, healthy baby boy was born. All were doing well.

Thank you, Lord for the life that you give us. The life in the physical....but even more, life eternal through your Son, Jesus Christ. A dying for the purpose of living.  His life for ours. Bought at a price.

Worth the pain.

Worth the agony.

Worth the wait.

The day continued on, as each day does. Barclay had work commitments that prohibited him from coming to treatment that day. In the afternoon, off I went stopping along the way to drop Faith off at Preschool and then onto radiation.

And the pendulum continued swinging as my mind went to the getting on with life, while laying down the fears that the "getting on with" encompassed. Wanting in some strange way to just stay in this place a little longer because the "getting on with" it means waiting. The "getting on with it" means questions remain unanswered. "The getting on with it" means trusting God at the deepest level I have ever experienced. Will I live to see my children get older? Will I suffer at the hand of this disease? Will my husband grow old without me by his side?

Will I trust God with it all?

My head knows all the Bible verses. This isn't my first testing. It is one of many. And what I have found is that God uses each one to carve out fear deeper and deeper so that the word of God may be implanted in its place. A heart surgery of sorts....not laproscopy, not catheterization, but true open heart surgery.

But head knowledge isn't enough. Hence the surgery. Hence the walking it out. The testing.

You know faith isn't stagnant. You are either walking forward, standing still, or falling backward.

I want to move forward. And so my heart needs to align with my head. The Truths that I know, as I live them out.

There is a quote in the movie Shawshank Redemption that says, "You either get busy living, or you get busy dying."

I want to be busy living.

Later that afternoon, I called my friend to see if I could stop by for a visit. So desiring to see her. To encourage her in her recovery, after having 6 c-sections myself.

My husband took the kids off to their basketball practices, and I made my way up to the hospital, alone.

As I was driving, the Christian radio station I was listening to lost reception. As the garbled voices and music filtered through the speakers, I felt around for the stash of worship CD's that I knew my husband had somewhere in his car. One lone CD was felt behind the driver's seat, as I quickly grabbed for it, while trying to keep the car in the right lane.

I slipped it into the CD player. Praises poured through the speakers, clearly now. But my mind was in a different place. The words fell on closed ears as my mind bounced around with thoughts of the future.

I arrived at the hospital as darkness had descended. It was a hospital I hadn't frequented and the layout unknown. I eventually found the parking garage and then navigated through a myriad of walkways and doorways, more hallways until the elevator stood in front of me and I crossed into the maternity ward and then into her room.

We had a sweet time of fellowship. And her baby, simply divine. There was peace. The beauty of God's creation. All things made new.

As I left the hospital, reflecting on God's goodness. Once again on life. I made my way back through the maze of vacant hallways and doorways. The hospital closing down for the night, I turned into the parking garage foyer and there coming down a stairwell was my friend's oldest daughter. Distraught as she had just spent the last 30 minutes trying to find her way through the maze. Frustrated and tired after a long day.

Knowing the trouble I had finding the way, I asked her if I could lead her back to her mom. Together we  quietly walked the steps leading to the elevator and up to the second floor. As we walked I pointed out the landmarks so that on her way back, she would know she was going in the right direction. The signs pointing the way were hard to notice. You really had to walk with your eyes open, looking for signs marking the way. But they were there.

We said good-bye and once again the steps retraced. Only this time, my mind went to the beautiful picture it was of our walk with God. Of trusting that He will lead us to the end location. His ending. He gives us the landmarks. He gives us His Word to direct us. He gives us access to the throne of God to talk to the Father. He sets up the signposts and is the lamp. If only we would walk with eyes open to Him.  The road is often uncertain. The path winding. But He will lead, if we will follow.

I got in my car to travel home with a peace in my heart.

The air outside was still tinged with the warmth of the day. The thermometer had inched into the 70's, temperatures uncharacteristic for February in the northeast.

I glided the window down as I pulled out onto the road. I turned the volume dial on the radio and the CD from earlier flooded my ears, penetrating my heart.

I was ready to receive.

And this song came forth.....Mercy Me's "Word of God Speak"

Finding Myself
at a loss for words
and the funny thing is, it's ok

The last thing I need
is to be heard
but to hear
what YOU would say

Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see, your Majesty
to be still and KNOW
You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in your Holiness
Word of God speak

Finding Myself
in the midst of YOU
beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need
is to be with YOU
and in the quiet
hear YOUR voice
Word of God Speak.....

Finding myself
at a loss for words
and the funny thing is, it's ok

I hit repeat and turned it up louder as I sang those words from the very core of my heart. Hearing this song long before. Knowing the words, well. But tonight a whole new meaning. They were words that I said in Truth. Not just lyrics. But my lyrics. The song of my heart sung to the heart of my God.

And the tears fell unabandoned, surrendered to Him alone.

Please, Lord, speak.

Give me a Word.

Show me You are in this place with me.

I have no words.

I am desperate to hear from you.

I am listening.

I got home and sat down at my computer, ready to write down all that God was speaking to me. I didn't want to lose this moment. Didn't want to forget for a minute.

But the kids walked through the door, moments later. A movie in hand asking me to join them for family movie night.

A tug of war....the kids wanted me....I shut the computer and snuggled next to them on the couch as God brought the day to a close.

Saturday morning, I awoke early and came down to the office to be with my Jesus and journal from the day before.

I opened my computer, as my email quickly filled my inbox. As I scanned the contents, there was an email from my sister in law. She had posted something on my FB wall.

She and I don't communicate often that way. I love her deeply, as I know she does me, but we don't talk very often. I was curious.

I opened the email. And here was the content:

Stephanie wrote:
"Hey Stacy, while I was praying on Thursday night with our praise team, I silently lifted your name up and God immediately instructed me to share a message with you.  


As clear as day these words rang in my head: "tell her to continue to trust in me". 

Sorry for the delay, I hope you are doing well and hanging in there. Know that we love you and are here if you need anything.  Hope we can get the family together again soon-"


I started bawling. 


I asked God for a Word. I asked God to show me He was in this place with me. And He did. 


He knew the moment that I would need those words of encouragement. He knew the preparation that was needed that I would receive. My sister in law, the messenger with a message from God to Me. 


God knows. He cares about the big picture, but He cares about the intimate details of our lives.

He is real. He is present. He is bigger than our little minds can comprehend.

"Tell her to continue to trust in Me."

Life giving words.

And today, as I walk through those radiation doors for the last time His Words will ring through my ears and into my heart as He blankets me with His love and Holy presence.

"Washing my eyes to see, your Majesty
to be still and know
You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in your Holiness....."

Word of God Speak.


"I am the door. If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. 
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill and to destroy. 
I have come that you may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.  
I am the good shepherd. 
The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep." John 10:9-11


Much love today,
Stacy

If you are interested in hearing the song, pause the player at the bottom of the page, and sink deeply into the our Father's love....


27 comments:

Lynn said...

Love you, Stacy! thanks for being faithful in the midst of trial.

Romans 12:1,2 come to mind, specifically:
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Praising God for the ability to TRUST Him in all circumstances.
Love and hugs,
Lynn

Debbie said...

Stacy, I just caught up on both of your last posts...I am soo glad that your Aunt was able to come and spend those couple of days with you...how wonderful to have someone like that in your life. How my heart can relate to yours. I too of course am in the midst of "waiting"...your battle was much worse than mine, and yet sometimes that in and of itself bothers me. I so get the moving on part as much as you want to be done with the treatment. And yet, it is all about trust isn't it? Trusting Him that whatever ends up coming our way He is there, in charge, and loving us. Your message from Him gave me goosebumps...how wonderful to get this word from Him. Praising God that He has brought you through this treatment and it is all behind you now, and praying He will direct your path now as you move ahead into this new season of your life. HUGS, Debbie

Kelly said...

Wow...

and I thought "Part 1" was moving!!

What a blessing to get such a HUGE message from the One who speaks nothing but truth!! Absolutely moving...moved me right to tears!
:)

Love and many hugs my friend!

And please tell your sweet friend congrats on their newest, precious addition! How exciting.

Child of God said...

What a great and perfect word from our God! He is never late, never early but right on time every time!

Praying for you Stacey and trust Him.

God bless,
<><

Sara said...

Stacy, that was beautiful... I am so thankful that you were blessed with that precious message from our Father. I am praying in earnest that you are blessed with a very special week amidst all the beginnings and endings that it holds... may the Lord be near to you... He promises that:)
Sara

Debbie Wewer said...

Stacy, love you angel and thank you for opening your heart to me. First I am so glad that your aunt came to visit and how wonderful to know that Jesus has brought you to the end of winter and soon the bright colors of the flowers, the warm air in your lungs and the breeze blowing through your beautiful hair. Honey, have no fears whatsoever. I know in my heart that your journey now turns to health and the life you will have with your beautiful husband and precioius children. I also thank you for sharing your visit to see Laurie and the newst love to join their family. For so long I pray for Meg and there on your blog God shows me she is fine. Incredible. Stacy continue to trust in Him at all times and know He loves you so. God has given you a renewed spirit and your life has only just begun. I love you sister in Christ. God blesses and keeps, Debbie Wewer

Jill - FNA Photography said...

Praise God for the newest Swansen! Glad to hear he and Laurie are doing well. Give them our love.

What a beautiful post Stacy! Praising God for how He continues to shower us with His love and never lets us go. How He always gives us what we need and truly hears our every cry! Praising Him for this door closing so the next one can open with you walking through it arms up and open wide to Him - knowing with your full heart and mind that what awaits is good - it is very good - because He has said so!

Love you and sending big hugs!
Jill

A multi-dimensional life said...

Beautiful words Stacy! And what beautiful timing...so perfect, of course...of the Lord's word to you!
Thank you for sharing this powerful blessing! Hugs! xo

Cora from Hidden Riches said...

Oh, Stacy!!! I could say so much right now about how "normal" all these things are, about the "getting on" with life, etc., etc. Please know I've been there, walked before you on the same path. . .and found Him ALWAYS enough! Your post today brought to mind the simple hymn words, "Simply trusting every day; Trusting through a stormy way; Even when my faith is small, Trusting Jesus, that is all." I promise you, no matter what, He is sufficient and more!

He & Me + 3 said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. God is so on time! What a beautiful post. I love visiting your blog because I know I will be encourage every time. You are a blessing my friend. I love that song...powerful.

Sara G said...

So beautiful! Thinking about you today. Oh how we need to continue to trust in Him! Thank you for sharing with us. I am praying for you. Congratulations to your friend on the birth of her baby boy.
Love you my sweet sister,
Sara G

Kim said...

What a beautiful and inspirational post! Today is a day you will never forget...when I walked outside after my last day of radiation with tears streaming down my face, I put my hands in the air and said "Praise be to God!" I will be singing praises for you today!

Melissa said...

Stacy,

What a loving reminder to us all to keep trusting in the God who called us out of isolation, fear and hopelessness.

Praise His name. He is always faithful, and equally worthy of our praise and trust.

Blessings,
Melissa

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post, a wonderful tribute to God's faithfulness. Congratulations on finishing your radiation treatments!

lisasmith said...

Sweet sister, you are walking through the Door so gracefully. much love xoxo

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

Stacy Saturday night our pastor went back through the last year of his treatments, went through what God has shown him and when he has asked God to increase his faith...his counts are too low for his next treatment...for the first time in 18 months..we all prayed...I included you in the prayers and lifted you to the Lord our healer also.

I can understand the comparison of your journey and a baby. My neighbor was diagnosis with cancer the same day I found out I was pregnant at age 45 with our sixth child...while I went through pregnancy she went through treatment, my milestones, birth etc were also her milestones in her cancer curing journey...she is healed and cancer free 5 years later.

Blessings as you open the door as you continue to live and enjoy the Life He has given you!

Sometimes I don't know what to comment because these post are such an intimate time with the Lord..thanks for allowing me to peek in.

{darlene} said...

Stacy. you are just so beautiful. How He shines through you!!!!
.....continue to trust...... I will pray this for you, sweet friend, just as we pray for your healing each day.
love,
Dar

Cathy said...

Loved your post and the song is one of my favorites. Reading your post and listening to the words of the song thinking of you I let the tears fall. You are blessed beyond measure with your five boy and little girl. Sweet Joshua in Heaven I pray God will be to allow you to raise your family before going Home to Joshua. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

babyrndeb said...

Your posts are always so warm and real - I love that about you...
And yes, you will go on trusting God and be busy with living. One day you will be able to look back and see just how far God has taken you. Yet, I bet that it is scary to go through that next door ~ to the unknown.

I will continue to pray for you.
Debbie

deodate said...

Once again Stacy, I am awed by your faith. You continue to be a beacon of light to all. Your courage, strength and trust is so beautiful.
Andie

Rachel said...

Stacy,

Your faith is such a testimony of the Lord's goodness -- in all time. I love when circumstances so clearly point to the Lord -- where you know He's just showing Himself to you in such a powerful way that you know it is only Him.

I am praying for you.

And thank YOU for praying for my Samuel.

Rachel

Rachel said...

Stacy,

Your faith is such a testimony of the Lord's goodness -- in all time. I love when circumstances so clearly point to the Lord -- where you know He's just showing Himself to you in such a powerful way that you know it is only Him.

I am praying for you.

And thank YOU for praying for my Samuel.

Rachel

Susan said...

Oh Stacy,

What a beautiful testimony of God's faithfulness towards you.

What a journey you have been on.

You continue to bring glory and honor to Jesus.

Psalm 73:26

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

Keep holding my sweet friend♥

Susan A said...

I'm in awe how our Lord spoke to your sister in law to give you His word to continue trusting in Him. That is so wonderful!!! I love it when He speaks like this in our time of need, His words give life, hope. :)

Reminds me of "though I walk in the valley of shadow of death, I shall not be afraid, for You are with me" (can't remember exact words, in Psalms I think). He is so good! He is our Rock, our strength in times of need, times of trouble.

Will pray for you :)

Randy said...

I got the cd that this song is on for my little girl Brianna and when I heard this song it brought tears to my eyes because when God enlighten my mind to understand His Word and I couldn't get enough of it or the peace that I had as I was being taught the scripture by the Holy Ghost. I would like to beg everyone who desires to know God to ask Him to open your eyes and you faithfully open His Word up every morning/day a few hours before your world begins. He will show you and shock you. Praise The Lord.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Thinking of you tonight. Let me know how you're doing...

~elaine

Runner Mom said...

Stacy, this is so beautiful! THank you for sharing this today! Continued prayers for you, sweet friend!
Hugs!
Susan