Thanksgiving Travels

Sorry it has been a week since I've written anything.....All is well on the home front. Life just kept me away. I always have the best intentions, and thoughts continue to swirl in my head, but somehow I can't always make it to the computer to put those thoughts down.

This week is a big week for me, as my last chemo is in eyesight. I hope to post tomorrow some more on that subject, but for today I'll share with you the Thanksgiving that I think might go down in our families' record book. I envision years beyond when my children will say, "Mom, remember that crazy Thanksgiving when we all went to Harrisburg the day before Thanksgiving and had to fill up 7 hours while Dad worked, the day went on forever, we were exhausted and oh you had cancer." I think there will be many laughs in hindsight.

Here is how it unfolded......

We weren't exactly sure what we were going to do this year for Thanksgiving. I have gone from an expert, "need to plan out every minute" kind of girl, to a let's wait and see what tomorrow brings kind of a girl and we'll decide then." Cancer has a way of doing that to you. And it is good. I'm liking the change.

In most past years, we'd travel to Northern VA (about a 3 hours drive) and spend a couple days with my husband's family. His parents live there along with his brother and his family and his sister and hers. All the extended family comes to town, as well, making it a mini-family reunion each year. It truly is special to see everyone come together for the holiday. There are around 40 people in attendance.

Let's just say this year, that was a teeny tiny bit overwhelming to me. I just didn't want to talk about cancer. I didn't want to wear cancer and I just didn't know if I'd have the energy to pack us all up and make the trek. But I wanted to do it for my husband. I wanted it for my kids, as family is so important. And the energy was returning after round 7 of chemo. So, on Tuesday we decided to make the trip. I was so thankful that Thanksgiving fell on an off-chemo week for me as it might just be one of my top favorite meals and I was looking forward to tasting it and enjoying it.

My husband works for an orthopedic company on the sales end of things. When surgeons are operating and using his spinal hardware, he is in the OR with the surgeon. Well, another consultant had asked him to cover a case in Harrisburg, PA on Wednesday. Harrisburg is almost halfway to his parents house. We found out Wednesday afternoon that the case had been moved to number 2 on the OR schedule. That meant a 10:30 OR time instead of 7:30AM.

Our plans were becoming a bit more complicated. In light of that new development, I thought it crazy for him to drive there, drive back to our house upon completion and then all of us retrace his steps. So I had this crazy idea to pack up that night, put it all in the car early Wednesday morning and go with him to Harrisburg. I figured I'd take the kids while he was in surgery and make a field trip out of it. Sometimes I can be a bit over ambitious. Still a work in progress....

So packed we did. By 9:00 Wednesday morning, we were all on our way. We were going to drop Barclay off at the Harrisburg hospital at 10:30 and then the kids and I would make our way to the Harrisburg State Museum. All went smoothly and to say the kids were excited would be an understatement.

The museum was both educational and inspirational seeing PA's history before us and the foundation of the state we live in. Ben and Seth are studying American History right now, and just finished through the colonization of the states, so we were in step with what they were studying. We all loved it. On the lower level they had a kids zone, which the younger 2 loved....and the 3 older found ways to enjoy as well. It was a nice way to end the museum tour.

We went across the street for lunch and then over to the state capital. I had never been there and it is truly a magnificent building. The kids were enthralled with it. We saw the senate and the House of Representatives. We stood in the Rotunda and marveled at the history that coated the walls and floors of that building. We sat on the marble grand staircase steps and read through the brochure together gleaning the facts from the pages as our eyes took in the surroundings. Together, we walked the halls of history as so much came alive. A field trip like none other.

We walked back to the car and at this point, I'm thinking we are in the home stretch. Three hours were absorbed as we soaked up the history. My feet, which have been struck with Neuropathy due to the chemo, were beginning to get soar. I texted Barclay to get his ETA and his reply back was, "we are getting ready for the second part of the surgery...about 3 more hours."

It was at this point that I began getting a bit ancy. I wasn't quite sure how to fill 3 more hours and we were all museumed out at this point. My brain went into survival mode....5 kids....a town I used to live in years ago, but it had changed quite a bit.....what to do with the next 3 hours? They were filled with walking through 2 malls, treking through the Big Bass Pro Shop (where we blew through $7 in quarters in 30 minutes as the boys played the laser gun games), and checking out our first home where Ben had lived for 2 years some 12 years ago. I think we drove pretty much all around Harrisburg by that point.

Around 5:30, I dared text Barclay again to see how close he was to being done. He said he wasn't sure. That is never a good answer. And at this point, I was beyond weary, totally worn out and questioning what had possessed me to think I could do this? It was then that I threw in the towel, drove back to the hospital and thanked God for the car DVD. For the next hour and a half, we sat parked in the hospital parking lot, car running, while the kids watched a movie. At 7:15 my dear sweet hubby walked out the hospital doors and we all sighed a heavy sigh of thankfulness.

Onward we traveled to Winchester, VA....after a long, but educational day.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Barclay's family. Thanksgiving was relaxing. And despite my fears, cancer wasn't discussed too much at all and again, I could just be....be with family and enjoy all that God has so richly blessed us with. We played games, caught up with all the relatives,  the cousins giggled together, the older boys played pool and ping pong, and we enjoyed a delicious turkey feast.

We came home on Friday evening after a wonderful and memorable time away.

As I type these words, I sit in front of our Christmas tree. Knowing that chemo is coming again on Wednesday and I'd be out of commission for about 6 days or so, we went out this weekend and bought our tree, decorated the house and did some Christmas shopping. It feels good to do those normal things. To enjoy the holidays without cancer robbing me of that time and the joy. I won't let it.

It is all in how you look at it, isn't it. Life is that way. I can either focus on what I don't have, or focus on what I do.....I choose the latter.  And all is good. It sure will be a Thanksgiving to remember.

Hope you all had a full Thanksgiving spent savoring the richness and blessings of all that you have.

William Penn, statue of the founder of PA

Mural of one of the battles during the Civil War

A mural depicting the overall history of PA

Seth being funny in the Kids Zone!

On the steps inside the Capital

Outside the capital

Much love,

Stacy

Peace Like A River

I come once again to this place trying to make heads and tails of my thoughts and emotions. They truly are like a coin being tossed in the air. No sooner is one laid bare on the ground declaring its name...pity or gratitude, faith versus fear, weary and long suffering, war versus peace......heads or tails....I snatch it up, turn it over and over trying to understand and make sense. Maybe I make it all too complicated, which very well could be the case.

Maybe it is week 14 of chemo. The cumulative effect so talked about early on just now being made manifest within.

Whatever the case, there has been too much thinking time, interrupted with sleep, too much sleep, giving way for restlessness and pain that permeates the whole scene.

Needless to say, it isn't pretty.

The two worlds of thoughts and emotions collided on Saturday evening.

Saturday morning began with a renewed sense of energy. Following a day and a half of sleep, I awoke knowing I needed to get to the Cancer Center by 8:00AM for my Neulasta shot. Glad to be out of bed and dressed, the tiredness wrapped around me, but not consuming me, I made my way. It is quick when I have the shot on Saturday mornings, no traffic to deal with, no registration, no waiting for your name to be called....you walk in the back door of the Cancer lounge, get your shot from the nurse working the weekend shift, and walk back out the door.

Easy.

I stopped at Starbucks on my way home, picking up a coffee and a treat for my hubby and sweet Faith.

Jed had stayed another night at a friends. The three older boys were at a one-night Sunday School Retreat. Our house was really quiet when I returned home. Just Barclay and Faith at the kitchen island ready for Saturday morning breakfast.

We began discussing the day. Laying out some of the things that needed to be done, errands to run, and times when kids needed to be picked up. It all seemed manageable... so with my energy in tack....off we went.

I love running errands with my husband. Might seem silly, but I love just being with him. Doing life. Driving together, talking, walking through the store, laughing, deciding, united.

It felt good.

And so the day continued on with a sense of normalcy blanketing our time together. Off to pick up Jed and then a quick stop at a property that some dear friends are considering purchasing. Property that would bring them much closer to us. It was there that my world or normalcy and cancer collided. As I walked around through the house, my legs began growing heavy, the temperature swings began within me and I could feel the chemo effects begin to let loose once again. The downward spiral began.

I was done. Thankful for a couple hours of Saturday errands, but sad that my body just couldn't keep up.

To my bed, I retreated once again. This time, the pain came on steadily. As an unwelcomed guest. Holding me hostage to a place I didn't want to be once again.

And my thoughts and emotions were tossed in the air landing spontaneously in a puddle around me.

I couldn't make heads or tails.

Later that evening, Barclay came upstairs putting Faith and Jed to bed for the night. A routine I am usually a part of, but tonight, too tired.

Barclay peaked his head into the bedroom, after having laid down the two little ones. And the floodgate of tears opened as I laid there.

Will it ever be normal again? What is normal? Will this too pass? And what does the future look like? Will I ever be a "full" woman again for my husband and my children?

My sweet husband curled up beside me in bed and just held me close. He wrapped his strong arms around me, laid his head against mine and prayed. He saw the collision happening. He did for me what in that moment I couldn't do for myself. Lay the thoughts and emotions down at the throne of Jesus where He alone could cover them with truth, with peace, with love.

And it is at the throne of God where true grace, mercy and peace is found.

"For He Himself is our peace." Ephesians 2:14

Jesus is peace. It is what He embodies. Who He is. What He makes. Peace.

No collisions. No war happening in the mind and spirit. No coins tossed in the air. Just peace.

Jesus's peace began to wash over me.

From down the hallway, my little Faithy girl called my name.

"Mommy, are you going to come say goodnight to me?"

My husband let go of the embrace, and I pulled myself out of bed making my way to her room.

I climbed in bed with her. Laying on top of the covers, stroking her long hair. Her eyes danced as she asked me to sing to her, part of our nightly bedtime routine. We have the repertoire that we choose from. And she asked for the river song.

My eyes still wet from crying and my voice unsteady....I began in a whisper..."I've got a river of life flowing out of me, makes the lame to walk and the blind to see....." She interrupted me,

"No, mommy, not that one. You know the peace and river one."

"I didn't know what she was asking for." She must have sensed that, for began right in singing to me."

In her angelic, childlike singing voice, she began ministering to my heart.

"I've got peace like a river. I've got peace like a river. I've got peace like a river in my heart. I've got joy like a fountain, I've got love like an ocean. I've got peace live a river in my heart."

And the tears began to fall again. But this time they weren't tears of sadness and turmoil. They were tears of peace and joy and a deep love flowing over me from the hand of my heavenly Father.

Faithy girl looked at me and said, "Mommy, you are crying. Don't cry. This is a good song." And I wrapped my arms tightly around her as she continued singing, as the tears continued to flow.

And that is why God said, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the PEACE of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6,7

When the thoughts want to battle emotions and the emotions want to take control of our thoughts....we have to leave them at the foot of the cross, allowing God's truth to permeate and stand guard. He takes the coin as it is tossed in the air, catches it and says 'It is finished. In Me there is peace. Apart from me there isn't. Remain in Me.'

Emotions aren't bad in and of themselves, nor our thoughts and understanding....but when left alone, outside of Christ's Truth, havoc ensues.

My heart and mind need to be guarded right now, especially as my body is weak and my thoughts play tricks on me.

And so God, once again, in His gentle, perfect and loving way, swooped in and met me right where I was reminding me of His love and sovereignty. Reminding me to come to Him and rest my head. Reminding me that in Him is peace like a river ready to flow over my soul.

This morning, the new light is dawning as He is once again relieving the pain, renewing and restoring.

I don't need to understand....just trust...in trusting Him there is peace.

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. 

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Much love In Christ,

Stacy

End of A Great Football Season

Yes...I'm still awake as the clock says 3:47....I guess I slept a little too much this evening. My eyes are so heavy right now, as sleep is calling my name once again. We'll see what this means for tomorrow. 

I realized as I was laying here that I never shared the end to Seth's football season. They did, in fact, get defeated last weekend to the Pop Warner Buffalo Bills (from Buffalo, NY). You can see by the picture below, we were a bit outnumbered and they were a really good team. Our boys played hard with an ending score of 14 to 6. 

We were blessed with the most glorious weather for football that day. They played at a high school outside NYC. All the kids took a motorcoach to the game and my husband and children were able to ride along. It worked out beautifully, as I was driving down from Rochester after spending the early part of the weekend there. We met up at the game and then were able to drive home together. I was so thankful for the time to dose off on the ride home. 

Pre-game talk from league official 

Seth making a block on offense

Seth, 2nd in from top, near the white line, getting ready for the kick return

Walking off the field at the end of the game. They were so disappointed.

Tuesday night Seth had his closing football banquet where the team and individuals were recognized and honored for their amazing season of teamwork. They did go undefeated throughout the season. They have much to be proud of. I am especially proud of Seth, as it was a touch transition for him. He went from the big fish last year to the little fish this year. It was a season of God getting to some heart issues with my boy.....humbling him, teaching him patience and perseverance, teaching him to always give God the glory and each time he plays to play with all he's got...God will show Himself strong for Seth. And God never disappoints. He showed Himself strong and by the end of the season, Seth was starting on offensive, where before he was the second string. 

I love how God doesn't waste a moment to teach our hearts. May we always have hearts to receive and eyes to see Him. 

Everyone's already talking about next year. So hard to think that far ahead....but praying that God will have me right back on those sidelines, cheering on my boys.  Our youngest son, Jed, informed us that he, too, would like to play football next year. That would be three on the field.  Oh....how that will work, only God knows! So, I leave it all with Him. 

Off to sleep......

Much love,

Stacy